Too fucking lazy to get dressed

Meet Elaine Carmody.



The awful Argos sprayed-gold earrings and council facelift should tell you all you really need to know about this woman. But there's more to her than that: she is so fucking lazy, she can't be bothered to get dressed when she goes out of the house.

She said she had regularly gone shopping at the store in her pyjamas until about a week ago when she was turned away when she went to buy cigarettes.

She said she been "popping in for a pack of fags," but if she had been doing a full shop "then we obviously would have gone in clothed".

I think given the earrings and this quote, it's safe to say that she spends all fucking day, every fucking day, laid out on her DFS sofa watching TV in her pyjamas.

She went on: "It's not as if you're making a show, if anything they should be happy because you're spending your money in their shop, but obviously they're not because you're not allowed in with pyjamas.

"So they're going to lose their custom with people going to other shops to buy stuff and they're allowed in with their pyjamas on."

Do you think Tescos is really that arsed about losing your custom, you lazy fat chav? They're probably more concerned about you shoplifting.

Update: In case you were in any doubt...

Life in this household...

...must be a fucking barrel of laughs.

Who GIVES a fuck, really?

With links all over the BBC News front page, that Apple are going to unveil a "new product".

As the BBC gushingly reports, there's apparently been a

swirl of speculation

about what this could be, but I really can't imagine that anyone other than the Apple Fanbois, who are of course wanking themselves into a frenzy over this, really gives a fuck.

Every time I read anything to do with Apple, especially where you get people's views on something reported, I'm reminded of this excellent summing-up of the average Mac user. It's fucking true as well, a classic case in point comes from iPhone owners. If anyone ever asks what new phone they should buy, I'll often chip in about my HTC Touch Pro 2, which has been brilliant, never crashes and has a physical keyboard which means your lovely touchscreen doesn't turn into an oily fingerprint-y mess after "typing" a two line text message. But iPhone users will always jump in with "Get an iPhone! Get an iPhone!" When pressed as to why they're so great, more often than not, they can barely answer. It was even worse for them when the iPhone lacked features that other WinMo-based phones had already had for the best part of a decade, such as copy-and-paste and video recording. They still can't answer my gripes about it, like not being able to put what software I want on there that Apple may not like, without "jailbreaking" it and voiding the warranty. The most devout fanbois will usually come back with some smug comment implying that I'm obviously stupid because I haven't got one. You've got to hand it to the Apple marketing department at least, people are happy to shell out what amounts to nothing more than an "Apple Tax" for something that admittedly has a nice screen, with good multi-touch, but that's really when the advantages end.

I do wonder if this will be like the last unveiling, where Steve Jobs revealed such wonderous new never-before-seen features like "flush mounted headphone jack" (I still remember cringing at the cheer that got from the audience, half of whom had just come in their pants) and "copy and paste"?

Well fuck me, break out the champagne

We're now officially out of recession Why? Because in Q4 2009, you know, when everyone spends loads on Christmas, the GDP grew by...wait for it...0.1%.

0.1 per cent? Fuck sake, you could achieve that kind of growth just by cooking the books. And it'll be negative again by end of Q1 2010.

Looks like they want some more control

And what's the best way to control people? Terror threats. For the few who pay attention to the threats and believe that for some inexplicable reason they should worry about them, they will be lead by fear. For the rest of us, there's lots of handy terror legislation - raising the Terror level allows them to justify the use of it.

Which is precisely why they've raised the terrorist threat level, despite there being not a fucking shred of intelligence to suggest there's actually an increased threat. Even the fucking Beeb have admitted as much:

The UK terror threat level is being raised from "substantial" to "severe", Home Secretary Alan Johnson has said.

Mr Johnson stressed there was no intelligence to suggest a terrorist attack was imminent.

So why the fuck have you raised it then, you statist moron?

The decision to raise the threat level was made by the UK's Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre (JTAC).

Mr Johnson said JTAC kept the threat level under constant review, making its judgments based on a broad range of factors, including the intent and capabilities of international terrorist groups in the UK and overseas.

But the best bit is yet to come:

He said: "We still face a real and serious threat to the UK from international terrorism, so I would urge the public to remain vigilant and carry on reporting suspicious events to the appropriate authorities and to support the police and security services in their continuing efforts to discover, track and disrupt terrorist activity."

You couldn't make this shit up.

The thing that I'm struggling with is who in the general public gives a flying fuck what the terror level means? If you ask any person in the street what it even was, and how it affected their lives, you'd find it's completely and utterly irrelevant in everyone's lives. This is for good reason - for example, what are we supposed to do if it goes up a level? There's nothing you can do, so what the fuck is the point in it? Are we not supposed to leave our houses if the level reaches critical?

The entire system makes a mockery of the Security Services, frankly. Especially when cunts like Alan Johnson use it to political advantage to try and quash dissent.

Now pay attention, proles. We know what's best for you.

Well, there goes the Tory vote

As they go after the motorist.

Taxes on driving, flying and other environmentally-damaging activities are to be increased by the Conservatives to fund tax breaks for married couples with children, the Daily Telegraph can disclose.

The money raised from “green taxes” will be used for a new “family fund” which will be used to cut income tax for families

The move will be necessary to make the tax breaks significant and help tackle Britain’s “Broken Society” problems.

So they think that tax breaks will keep people together? This is ignorance the likes of which we usually only see from the Labour benches.

But it is understood that the Conservatives are considering reintroducing the controversial fuel-duty escalator. This involved petrol duty increasing by several pence more than inflation every year.

However, it was abandoned by Labour following widespread protests over the high cost of petrol.

One Tory insider said: "We could reintroduce the fuel-duty escalator, as long as we were upfront about it. We would say the cost of petrol will rise for the next five years to reduce carbon emissions and fund tax cuts for families.

Fuck sake. It's just the current mongtards, but by a different name. We're kidding ourselves to think the Lib Dems would be any different.

I'm not looking forward to the next few years here.

Crime Figures

Ever noticed that when crime figures go down, it's a cause for celebration, but when they go up, it's due to a "change in the way figures are recorded"?

Which kind of begs the question of how the fuck they were recording the figures before? Did they just write the details on a Post-It note and throw it out the window?

Pitchforks at the ready....

After the BBC announces a Paedophile was running a teaching website.

A convicted paedophile and former teacher was free to run a major UK education website, the BBC has learned.

Samuel Kinge, 28, from Evesham, was last week jailed for a second time for downloading abusive images of children.

He had been running the Sparklebox teaching and parenting resource website used in thousands of schools.

A spot of Googling finds that the website is particularly popular with teachers, as apparently it's a great resource.

However,

This was blocked in some areas after internet safety officials discovered who was running it and that there had been some "worrying interactivity".

The case appears to expose a potential loophole in how paedophiles could potentially access young children through technology.

Hmmm, Brass Eye, anyone?

Internet safety officials have told the BBC they became concerned after a blog and pictures of children also started appearing on the Sparklebox website, which offers colourful teaching materials such as numeracy posters for teachers and children's bedroom posters for parents.

A blog? (Presumably innocent) pictures of children?

"There were areas where pictures of children were being published and up until recently there was an active blog.

"The concerns were about the interactive technology on the site and the previous conviction of the owner."

Note that they don't explain what these pictures of children were, it could have just been photographs of kids in a classroom, entirely the kind of thing you'd expect to find on a teaching resource website. But, but, he's a paaaeeeedooooo!

Let's get this straight.

He is a convicted paedophile, and he has started a website containing (supposedly very good) teaching materials, which teachers go to, print out, and use in their classrooms. As far as I can see it's a website for teachers, not students. Even if students were to access it, it doesn't appear that there was anything remotely suspect hosted on it.

At what point are the cheeeeeldren in any danger?

He added: "I personally think that someone with a previous conviction of this nature shouldn't be allowed to access children via the internet."

He has just watched that episode of Brass Eye and believed it, hasn't he.

Ashton Court Festival Replacement

And as the Evening Post gushes on it's main article, it's called Summer Nights.

Twelve thousand music lovers are expected to descend on the Ashton Court Estate for a glittering new summer festival.

Summer Nights at Ashton Court will take place on July 8, 9 and 10 and organisers are hoping the open-air event, which expects to attract 4,000 people each night, will become an annual extravaganza.

The family-friendly concerts aim to fill a gap in Bristol's music scene with everything from classical artist Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, to Motown and 60s tribute bands.

Bringing a picnic and enjoying music in the surrounds of the rolling green hills, festival-goers will be able to dance the night away under summer skies before a spectacular firework finale.

Sounds good, right? However, let's cut to the chase:

All-inclusive VIP hospitality or a pre-concert Supper in the Mansion is also on offer, as well as a Gazebo Village for exclusive undercover picnicking.

Tickets start at £20 for children and £28 for adults on the Friday and Saturday and £40 to see Dame Kiri. Family tickets are also available.

A veritable bargain, I think you'll agree! And whilst the original Aston Court Festival attracted a wide range of different people, I think the Summer Nights website makes it quite clear what kind of punter they're after:

Oh, fuck sake, not you again

The two most arrogant, media-whoring parents ever to walk the earth have been trying to bother everyone again.

Gerry McCann has angrily dismissed Portuguese detectives' claims his daughter Madeleine is dead.

I'd angrily dismiss his expectations that I or anybody else still gives a fuck.

Speaking on Wednesday, the McCanns said: "We are not denying the existence of the dogs or anything else. It's evidence we're interested in. There is no evidence that Madeleine is dead."

Perhaps more importantly, there's no evidence she's alive either. You would have got a lot more respect from people if you'd accepted within the first couple of weeks that it's likely she was pushing up daisies within days of her disappearance. That's assuming, of course, that it wasn't you that killed her, and I'm quite open to that suggestion frankly, it'd explain why you're so fucking arrogant in your public appearances, your press statements, and particularly the way you loftily dismissed perfectly reasonable questions about your parenting habits as "unhelpful".

You tour the fucking globe, clearly having the money and/or the connections to get your child's face on every newspaper and every TV screen. I guess on reflection this is what every parent of a missing child would want, but none have. You should be treating the opportunity as a massive, massive privilage. But you don't - any questions on why in the name of fucking hell you left young children on their own in an apartment a good 5 minutes walk away whilst you got pissed with your mates in a fucking tapas bar - you react to in such a way as to anger people.

How do you think parents who have had children abducted from them when they've been far more responsible than you were feel, when they see your sneering faces over every newspaper and television screen? Max Clifford has a lot to answer for.

They are reported to be seeking 1.2m euros (£1.08m) in damages over the book and said any payment would go towards funding the private investigators hunting for Madeleine.

Like the other millions of pounds donated, from people like Richard fucking Branson, for fucks sake, have paid for "private investiagtors"? As Old Holborn says, follow the money. It's very likely Karen Matthews saw the case of your missing daughter as an inspiration to making a lot of money, only she was too pikey to pull it off. Why do you suppose you were the inspiration? You've made enough money whoring photographs of your missing daughter whether she's alive or dead, or whether you killed her or not, to live very, very comfortably for the rest of your lives.

Just saying.

Take that, Shirley!

The Bristol Councillor, Shirley Brown (neé Marshall) who spends most of her time in Florida, flying back every so often in order that she is eligable to claim her Councillor's Allowance, is being summoned to court over the "coconutgate" affair.

A Bristol councillor who called an Asian colleague a coconut during a debate is facing a charge of racially aggravated harassment.

Shirley Brown has been summonsed to appear at Bristol Magistrates' Court next month to answer the allegation.

If convicted of the public order offence, she could potentially receive a prison sentence or a fine.

Not that this is likely to happen, of course. Remember this is the same Shirley Brown who claimed she "couldn't be racist as she was black".

I expect she'll come out with some bollocks about "coconut water" again:

She later denied the comment was racist, telling a council panel she was referring to Mrs Jethwa being "in denial of her roots" and saying that she went on to refer to "coconut water that could be used or thrown away". She said she accepted it was a "clumsy use of words".

...before jetting back off to Florida.

Fuck you, Shirley, you racist waste of space. From what I'm told, if it wasn't for Jon Rogers covering your workload you'd have been rumbled by now.

Sound familiar?

There are ominous signs that the earth's weather patterns have begun to change dramatically and that these changes may portend a drastic decline in food production - with serious political implications for just about every nation on earth.

All too familiar right? I expect the Grauniad has an article like this every other week.

However, the above article is from a newspaper from 1975, where not only did they firmly believe there was a cooling trend that would last the rest of the century (with words like "Ice Age" used in the article), but they suggest melting the ice caps by covering them with soot, in order to avoid the catastrophic effects of the cooling trend.

Now, they're suggesting we take far more drastic measures, but to avoid a warming trend? People may argue that they weren't very sure, and were only working with the data they had available, but the same can be said of scientists today. Except the data of today has been fiddled with to meet a political agenda.

What was that about cuts vs. investment?

You fucking hypocritical, deceitful badger-browed cunt?

The chancellor has warned that Britain faces the toughest spending cuts in 20 years if Labour is re-elected.

Alistair Darling said prime minister Gordon Brown "accepts and knows" that reducing government borrowing was "never negotiable".

But hang on, what's that Gorgon's been saying, just a few days before?

Declaring that Labour would fight "every inch of the way" for victory, Gordon Brown returned to a strategy of insisting that cutting public spending was not necessarily the way to tackle the deficit.

Once again attempting to cast Labour as the party of investment versus Conservative cuts, Brown's approach marks a shift following an autumn in which both parties appeared to accept the need for spending cuts. Next year public borrowing will hit £178bn and many within government had worked hard to persuade the prime minister to accept spending cuts would be as vital as tax rises to bring this down.

Face it Gordon, you and your party are an utter fucking disgrace.

KFC's "racism"

Gleefully reported by Al-jabeeba.

Picked up by the American media, the advertisement immediately stirred controversy, because it was alleged to have perpetuated the racial stereotype that black people eat a lot of fried chicken.

You mean to say they don't? What on earth is racist about saying they do? I eat a lot of fried chicken - so what?

The same old tired phrases

Look, there it is again:

Patricia Hewitt and Geoff Hoon have written to Labour MPs saying the party was "deeply divided" and the issue must be sorted out "once and for all".

Downing St said Mr Brown was "getting on with the job" and cabinet ministers have been lining up behind him.

When are we going to see "Doing the right thing, because it's the right thing to do?" or maybe "totally committed to doing what is right"?

And which ministers are "lining up"?

As the day progressed, cabinet ministers voiced their support for Mr Brown's leadership, including Home Secretary Alan Johnson - sometimes touted as a future Labour leader - Justice Secretary Jack Straw, Chancellor Alistair Darling, Energy Secretary Ed Miliband and Business Secretary Lord Mandelson.

So that's five mentioned there. Can't have been a very long fucking line.

Rewarding chavs for not breaking the law

Imagine that kids could be paid money every year, simply by doing what they were supposed to. (Not hard, this has already been suggested with payments to kids for turning up to school).

Now imagine that this was a scheme for kids who ride mopeds. Since we're not Italian, this means (in the majority) - well, people like this.



After all, most decent human beings wait a year until they can afford (and drive) a car.

Now imagine they can also claim cash for taking part in a free karting session.

Now imagine that this scheme is run by The West of England Road Safety Partnership. This means that essentially, fines collected from "safety cameras" are not going on improving pedestrian safety, or covering the £15 "victims levy" they're planning on introducing, but paying for chavs to drink cans of white lightning at bus stops.

Sounds ridiculous, right?

Now stop imagining, and realise that this scheme is fucking for real.

Welcome to keepyourwheels.com.

Do you ride a scooter, moped or motorbike in the West Country? If so, you could bag up to £100 for being one of the best riders!

Sign up and enjoy FREE Go Karting, One to One Training plus lots of cool games & quizzes!

Essentially, a chav can get £100 a year if they:

* complete all 12 keepyourwheels monthly quizzes
* provide proof of insurance, MOT & driving licence
* attend a FREE Go Karting session (quote: "yes, we mean it!")
* attend a FREE One to One training session (quote: "we come to your door!")
* keeping a clean licence for 12 months

If they get three points they lose £20.

OK, it's only £100 which due to the value of our currency is worth fuck-all, but they're still esssentially paying moped-riding chavs (and treating them to Go-Karting) to do what they should do anyway i.e. not get points on their license, pass their CBT, and MOT, tax and insure it.

But can you get £100 a year for insuring, MOTing and taxing your car?

Nope.

Kerry: #kerryout is "misogynistic"

Labour MP Kerry McCarthy has described the Tory bloggers behind an internet campaign to oust her from her Bristol East seat as "bully boys".

Ms McCarthy, who is her party's new media campaigns spokeswoman, said the attacks were personal rather than political.

She said she had tried to avoid responding via blogs or Twitter but told the Evening Post: "These people are deeply unpleasant and misogynistic.

Kerry, Kerry, Kerry - that gender card you keep so readily-available in your handbag to play at any moment is getting awfully fucking frayed around the edges, isn't it?

And pray tell how the fuck it's misogynistic when they're trying to replace you with another woman (Adeela Shafi)?

I have to say if this was a personal attack on Kerry I wouldn't be so supportive of it, but it's clear it's not: Anyone who is a "Twitter Tsar" is bringing themselves in for all sorts of crap.

It's nothing to do with the fact you're a woman, or that you're Kerry McCarthy, it's because you're the Labour Twitter Tsar. Stop all this bleating about "personal attacks" and "misogyny", you stupid mare.

No rise in Man-Made Atmospheric CO2 in the Past 150 Years

See here.

My, that does come as a surprise *rolls eyes*

Has anyone told this lot yet?

The Bristol Blogger suspended

I guess Bristol City Council's Legal Team have been busy.

Update: It's back (thanks BristolMoose). Welcome back TBB!

Kerry Out!

Bristol City Council's Priority Gritting Routes

Are available here.

So when they claim, as before, they have gritted the roads, you know conclusively they haven't.

Labour deny they're fighting a class war - but can't hide it

To me, the fact they blatantly are fighting a class war is obvious. Most of Kerry's blog posts have reeked of it (she's obviously been giving the instruction to start "fighting" as her posts have been about little else but attempts to hammer the Tories of late) and take this latest Brown quote:

He also rejected claims that he was engaging in class warfare against David Cameron, saying that his jibe about Tory policy being dreamt up on the playing fields of Eton was a joke.

Right, so it doesn't count then.

If they are fighting a class war, and I think it's hard to argue that they're not, then they truly are fucked. They know they're unelectable for two reasons:

1. Gordon Brown. Nobody likes him. Even if you chose to forgive the many, many mistakes he has made (and I can't) - not least economic: Selling our gold off at rock-bottom prices, borrowing and spending, borrowing and spending, leaving us with an unmanageable deficit, fucking the economy up and then having the barefaced fucking cheek to blame America or the rest of the world for all our problems (a "global" problem) - he has an absolutely detestable personality, he's an awful representative for our country, given that he can barely speak properly, and he gives off the impression that he barely knows where he is half the time. Labour have lost themselves the next election, but by god that dribbling moron has sealed it for them.

2. What they've achieved for the past 12 years. Well, what have they achieved? They would claim tiny victories such as peace in Northern Ireland and the minimum wage (and I'm sure Kerry will be along soon on her blog to remind us of them), but in fact what they'll be remembered for is a prick with a shit-eating grin taking us to war when nobody wanted it, more civil liberties erosions than I care to even think about listing, dire economic managment, boom and bust, tax and spend, authoritarian measures that Orwell barely predicted (all in the name of "fighting terrorism"), levels of debt that make any sane person sick to even think about, and especially the one that grates for me: the introduction of telling us what we are to think and to believe - how many times have you heard a Labour politician utter the phrase "it was the right thing to do"? We'll decide that thank you very much!

For the record, I think the Tories would only be marginally better than Labour, mainly because really it's impossible to be any worse, but at least they're fighting this on policy and past performance. Labour can't do this because they know both their policy and certainly their fucking past performance is so fucking lamentable, so they're choosing the class angle instead. Big mistake.

Oh, and expect the Spring budget to be buying them a load of votes from the workshy and feckless.