Monday, 31 August 2009

Only a couple of hours left to fill up your tank

Before fuel duty goes up, yet a-fucking-gain, by 2p.

When VAT is included, the increase will actually total 2.3p.

So the actual increase is 2.3p, but what they fail to mention is the actual increase at the pumps will be closer to 5p a litre. It always is, as the retailers see it as an opportunity to grab a bit more profit (not that they really make any on petrol anyway).

The government says the extra duty is needed to help fund public investment

Is it really, Darling, you cretinous fucking loon (I assume it was you to come out with such fucking drivel)? After all, given your dubious economic policies up until this point, couldn't you just print some more money?

When are they going to roll out the line about spending on schools and hospitals suffering if they reduced the duty? It's surely overdue by now.

Fuck sake.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

The worst cars on the road

Following on from Obo's fairly accurate description of Renault Scenics, I thought I'd chime in with my own pet hate of a car. Surely, I can't be the only person on the road who gets a feeling of utter dread when I pull up behind one of these fucking things at a junction:

Surely I can't. The utter dread comes from the fact that it's almost a certainty that you'll be stuck there for five minutes as the driver (invariably female, I'm afraid) timidly debates whether the gap coming up in which two buses could pull out comfortably with space to spare is enough for her to pull out in her stupid fucking Ford Ka.

I have absolutely no time for timid, never-should-have-passed-their-test, hesitant drivers when I'm driving. I'm not talking about speeding, I'm just talking about pulling out when there's a safe gap, realising that when you want to turn right on a busy road, providing there's no traffic approaching you from your right it's quite alright to block the lane in order to pull into a gap rather than waiting for both lanes to be clear which often doesn't happen for a good ten minutes, not being almost comically fearful of roundabouts, being able to slot a car into a space in under 2 attempts, etc.

I think it's because of the kind of person that is attracted to and buys a Ford Ka, I'm sure you can guess. If you can't next time you see one, take a look at who's driving it - that's the kind of person I'm talking about. That's how confident I am of how widespread this stereotype is, that I can pretty much guarantee the kind of person who will be driving the Ka.

I just see the Ka as a giant "P" Plate.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Now the environmentalists stick their oar in.

as the police prepare for protests.

Organiser Natalie Swift said: "Direct action is the aim - we are trying to disrupt the climate criminals."

God all mighty. I dread to fucking think what these soap-dodging trustafarians are planning to do. They've already made innocent air-travellers days an absolute misery by stopping flights when they danced about on a runway, who else's day are they going to ruin for a cause they claim to represent the general public's view on, but never actually fucking checked?

Ms Swift said they hoped to cause maximum disruption to whichever of the "dirty dozen" targets were selected, adding: "What they are doing is wrong and has to stop.

"If the government is not going to do it, normal people will have to step in."

Really? Tell me, Ms. Swift, what the fuck is so normal about people who assume a position of self-elected spokesperson for the public and then go and trash buildings of companies? I don't remember being asked if I agree with your views, and I doubt anyone else does either. So what the fuck makes you think you are representing the majority?

You have decided in your own little world that companies that you disagree with have to be stopped, and so you're going ahead and stopping them, claiming to have the support of the public on your side, except you've never actually checked whether this is true. I can't work out whether you actually believe the public do support you or if you just don't give a fuck. Do you think all the families that had their day ruined when you blockaded that airport supported you?

Fuck you Natalie, you arrogant, lofty, presumptious, self-important bitch, and the ethnic peace-bicycle you rode in on.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Voldemort sticking his oar in again

I've just asked my boss if I can leave work early to drive to London and stamp on Peter Mandleson's fucking face.

The UK government is to announce that people who consistently download films and music illegally will be cut off from the net.

Welcome to Communist China.

The announcement will come in the form of an amendment to the Digital Britain report, launched in June.

And how interesting that Pravda get the details, probably from Downing Street themselves, before the announcement is made. I thought John Bercow was supposed to put a stop to this shit?

It is believed that Business Secretary Lord Mandelson has intervened personally to beef up the report.

And what mandate do you have to do that, you sneering lofty cunt? What fucking business is it of yours? Fuck off back to fucking rent-boys in Corfu.

The Telegraph has more:

Digital Britain had suggested that if warning letters failed to reduce piracy by at least 70 per cent, Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator, would have the power to call on internet companies to introduce "technical measures" to combat piracy, such as slowing down a filesharer's broadband connection.

I dread to think. Still, at least they only have the power to "call on" ISPs to do something. The ISPs can presumably, tell them to take a running jump.

As part of the new proposals, the business secretary, currently Lord Mandelson, rather than Ofcom would have the ability to introduce technical measures while their introduction would be up to the minister's discretion, rather than the 70 per cent reduction.

The government directly taking over Ofcom's responsibilities? This sets a dangerous fucking precedent.

And yet that tired, bullshit stastistic is once again wheeled out:

Lord Mandelson is keen to adopt a tougher approach to internet piracy, estimated to cost the movie industry alone around £1.4 billion a year.

Every time I read this sentence I get more and more annoyed, because it's just such blatant bullshit. The estimation is clearly based on the completely wrong assumption that if you couldn't download the film you would have bought it. What a load of shit. Most of the stuff I've downloaded I wouldn't have bought, because a lot of it just hasn't been worth the money.

A spokesman for the Department of Business Innovation and Skills has said there was no discussion of online piracy when Lord Mandelson met Geffen and there was no connection between that meeting and the government's new proposals.

The arrogance is breathtaking. They really do think we're stupid.

Fuck you, Mandelson.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Jarvis Cocker jailed for child porn

Well, not really. But it fucking looks like him, doesn't it :-)

Now, not that I in any way condone child porn offences but it's very telling to see the baying mob with their burning torches and pitchforks already all over this.

disgusting he should get more than 10 months for this he should be imprisioned for at least 10yrs i better not see him in the street around my area as the youths around here would do a better job than the courts etc

this is disgusting! to think my daughter spent several weeks there but was luckily never left alone!! 10 months is insulting to the justice system! what are they thinking!

Shouldn't these people be reading The Sun?

Also liked the typical media ludditery:

The court heard police established Kearley had used sophisticated computer software to scan the internet with German search terms, rather than use standard search engines such as Google.

Was it? Another language. Well, that is certainly "sophisticated", isn't it.

Friday, 21 August 2009

I hope the fucking knife slips

During Voldemort's operation.

Lord Mandelson has been admitted to hospital to have an operation for a "benign condition of the prostate", a government spokesman has said.

I wish it wasn't benign. And it was on his fucking face. That face that is so trustworthy...

I don't understand how this guy is even given any credibility by the press, for fucks sake. He had to resign twice from government in disgrace, and yet the BBC and others still think he deserves column inches. If I was at the BBC and Downing Street contacted me to "feed" me some news (which they regularly do) about Peter Mandleson I think my response would be "Fuck off, he's unelected, we really don't care." As the general public's should be.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Sharia Law, that's pretty normal isn't it?

Well, no, actually.

The 32-year-old will receive six lashes at a woman's prison next week in what is being viewed as an example of the growing influence of Islamic hardliners on the country.

The mother-of-two who lives in Singapore with her husband, paid a fine of £860, but declined to lodge an appeal so she could get the punishment over with and put the episode behind her.

What the fuck, I mean for god's sake; how the fuckitty-fuck can anyone take this religion, law - whatever the fuck they want to call it - seriously?

It's no fucking coincidence that Osama Bin Laden recorded those shitty VHS videos in a cave - because it's where the supporters of this entire fucked-up governing-of-civilisation want to live.

Prosecutor Saiful Idham Sahimi said: "This is the first case in Malaysia. It is a good punishment because under Islamic law a person who drinks commits a serious offence."

Well, heaven fucking forbid?!? Alcohol? What the fuck was she thinking? I mean, bombing people to shit in the name of martyrdom, well, apparently that's just fine, but drinking beer?

But in Kartika's case the rattan cane will be lighter than those used to punish men. Sharia law dictates it be no thicker than the little finger and the cane cannot be lifted so high the arm is away from the armpit. The court ordered the jail's female governor administer the sentence.

Well, thank god for that.

Fucking sandal-wearing halitosis-plagued donkey-fucking luddites.

Monday, 17 August 2009

Precisely why I don't use Twitter

According to the BBC, 40% of Tweets are complete bullshit.

So no surpises there then.

Thursday, 13 August 2009

New BCC Website Design ripping off the Bristol Blogger

Just been emailed one of the possible designs BCC are considering for the new website - it's being developed by an external company at probably great cost (FOI requests at the ready, people!). UPDATE: Initial costs are apparently £824,000.

Now, I wonder where they got the idea for that top banner from?

As an aside, it looks like the site is being styled as some sort of a New Media Production Company rather than a City Council.

Know your place, BCC!

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Baby P's parents named

O RLY? Shame Old Holborn did it last year.

In fact all of this came from a BBC news article from where they were originally named.

Fraud Capital of the UK

...has been revealed as Thamesmead.

Thamesmead was intended to be a vibrant, riverside community in south-east London. Forty years after being built, the area is known as a notorious hub of fraud, dubbed "Little Lagos" because of its association with west African criminal gangs, says Phil Kemp.

West Africans involved in fraud? Shirley not!

Andrew Goodwill, director of the Third Man Group, a fraud prevention service which screens internet transactions to help retailers detect credit card fraud, said the company's database reveals Thamesmead's SE28 to have the worst record of any postcode in the country.

"Last year we indicated it was the capital in the UK for credit card fraud. And actually we went as far as to say it was probably the capital of Europe for credit card fraud as well."

He said the company has identified an entire street in the town where there is evidence of people being involved in fraud at every address.

It doesn't really come as any surprise to me - it's particularly easy to get away with it here. I knew someone who worked for a Credit Control department a while ago where they had an unwritten rule called the "vowel rule" whereby if someone had more vowels in their surname than consonants they would automatically be refused credit. This wasn't to be taken literally, more that if they got a call from Dixons in South London stating that a Mr. Babatunde Adewale wanted credit for a widescreen TV, it'd automatically be declined.

One person there said "In't that a bit racialist though?" and so they were shown a film taken with a hidden camera in a classroom in Lagos where people are specifically taught how to defraud the UK credit system, as well as other "bonuses" such as child/housing benefits.

She said the company told her it was beginning to refuse to deliver to the area because the person answering the door would ask who the parcel was addressed to and then sort through a stack of credit cards all under different names.

The mind boggles.

What would the fraud capital of Bristol be? Answers on a postcard. I'm going with Easton.

"Ain't dat a bit racialist, though?"

Monday, 10 August 2009

"Justice" for Wilbur

One story that seems to be getting a lot of coverage here in Bristol is the story of Wilbur the Tabby Cat who wandered into a neighbour's garden and was gobbled by their pet snake.

I have to say I'm rather confused by the indignation. It's hardly the fault of the snake, either it was where it shouldn't have been (in the owners garden?) or the cat was.

This whole story just reflects the arrogance of most cat owners. They believe their filthy feral creatures have a god-given right to roam, and more importantly, shit, wherever they please (so long as it isn't in their own garden).

"But what if it was a child?" meekly protest the hand-wringing cat lovers. Well, it wouldn't be, would it, because most parents are responsible enough to not let their child roam out of their garden. After all, if it wasn't a snake, it could have been a car (for the child and for the damn cat). But of course you couldn't possibly stop Tibbles shitting all over the neighbourhood, could you?

So of course in typical knee-jerk fashion they're now calling for the law to be changed so people who want to own snakes need a licence. Because, of course, that works so well in regulating Dangerous Dogs, doesn't it? If people want one, they'll get one, licence or not.

What next? Banning cars, because they can (and do) run cats over? Get a fucking grip, and accept if you will let your cat roam wherever it likes, there's a chance it'll die.

Two arrogant twats, earlier

A Picasso? All is explained.

So, the Chipmunk has had her car "attacked".

Former cabinet minister Hazel Blears' car has been attacked while she was out canvassing for votes.

Vandals slashed the tyres of the Labour MP for Salford's Citroen Xsara Picasso and smashed its windscreen.

I think they were doing her a favour frankly. I'm not sure if you have ever driven a Xsara Picasso, but I have. It's horrible. Fucking horrible. It's owned by people who just want to ferry their kids to school, to Sainsburys, and nothing else. The best description I've ever heard of one was that it was like driving "a wet lettuce".

You'd think, given the amount of money she's fucking stolen from us, she could at least be driving a half-decent car. Maybe though, she's using a bit of common sense - she lives in Salford - something else I can relate to as I went to University there. It is a fucking undiluted shithole.

However, it gets worse:

The ex-communities secretary said she did not think her car had been targeted because of who she was

Sorry, what? Fucking hell, Blears, are you really that fucking stupid?

Of course it's because of who you are. And what you did.

Or are you just admitting your constituency is really that fucking awful?

An MP who takes notice

Liberal Democrat Chris Huhne, even if he did nick LPUK's tagline.

Lib Dem home affairs spokesman Chris Huhne said the figures "beggared belief".

"Many of these operations carried out by the police and security services are necessary, but the sheer numbers are daunting," he said.

"It cannot be a justified response to the problems we face in this country that the state is spying on half a million people a year.

"We have sleepwalked into a surveillance state, but without adequate safeguards. Having the Home Secretary in charge of authorisation is like asking the fox to guard the hen house.

"The government forgets that George Orwell's 1984 was a warning and not a blueprint."

Friday, 7 August 2009

Fake, but cool anyway

It took me an hour to get home yesterday

...instead of 15 minutes, because of this.

The police closed a major dual carriageway (the A38) because of a bomb scare in the Royal Mail building which is near it.

What are the chances that

a) the bomb actually was a bomb - probably very low
b) the bomb would go off as I was driving past - extremely low
c) the bomb is large enough to do any serious damage, considering it was in a sorting office - very low
d) the bomb would do any damage to anything outside of the RM building, especially a road a good few yards away from it - extremely low

...I would have preferred to take my chances, frankly.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

George Ferguson - Utter cuntstain


Jeremy Clarkson is an environmental menace. He is also an unbelievably rude man – raising cheap laughs by calling our Prime Minister totally unacceptable and unprintable names.

Whatever anyone may think of Gordon Brown, his policies, or leadership qualities, it is clear to me that he is driven by a sense of public service and principles derived from his Scottish Presbyterian upbringing.

He may make mistakes but he is a fundamentally decent man.

I already hate this guy.

He certainly deserves more respect than Jeremy Clarkson who may be a successful TV entertainer but seems driven by nothing but a desire to glorify consumption and environmental irresponsibility.

Oh god, another envirocunt. Well, there's a surprise.

Every day that I move around Bristol I am amazed by the number of oversized gas-guzzling vehicles and four-wheel drive "Clifton tractors" that still inhabit our roads, in the almost certain knowledge of the damage they are doing to the environment on both a local and global scale.

The time has come for Bristol to lead the way with radical action to drive such ludicrous vehicles off our streets – but it seems the car lobby has friends as powerful as its vehicles.

And a fascist too! Why yes George, of course it's quite alright for you to dictate what cars people should be "allowed" to drive! His ignorance about 4x4s and environmental damage is highlighted by comments on the news story, thankfully.

I would have absolutely no fear about banning these monsters from our city streets.

Cripes, George. You are a cunt, aren't you.

I hear this week that Nottingham is to charge for workplace parking. This is a move that Bristol could do well to emulate, and with it I would bring in charging bands, with the larger, more fuel-hungry cars paying at least double the standard rate, and small, efficient cars paying half, or nothing at all.

So let's go one further and imagine a city where most of the cars are a maximum of 3.5 metres long (mine is 2.5 metres) as opposed to five metres or more.

Go fuck yourself Ferguson, with a rusty spade.

The power of marketing

So copying and pasting is "pretty incredible" is it?

Windows Mobile, in it's various previous forms (PocketPC and Windows CE), has been able to do that for well over a decade.

Fuck, I hate the iPhone, I really do. It has a nice-looking screen (though other phones have higher resolution now), multi-touch is good for games ... and that's about it. It's not the most amazing thing to hit the phone industry ever (in fact the HTC Touch Pro 2 is far better) but yet countless people believe it is, because of the adverts.

At least Apple do one thing very well, even if it's just the marketing.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Traffic Lights on the dashboard

on buses in Bristol.

According to the Evening Post:

First now plans to roll out the technology across its entire fleet of 9,000 buses in the UK by the middle of 2010 with the equipment picking up on acceleration and braking patterns as well as corner, lane and speed handling.

A 'traffic light' LED monitor on vehicle dashboards flashes green if the driver is driving correctly, or amber or red if a bus driver carries out an unwanted driving manoeuvre such as heavy braking or unnecessary acceleration.

So when will the government decide that we all need a "dashboard traffic light" telling us that The State doesn't approve of the last manoeuvre, and not just buses? I bet it happens.

Oh, but it reduces CO2 emissions, so it must be a Good Thing, right?

Unfortunately, Justin Davies, managing director of First in Bristol, is a complete cunt:

"The great thing about this project is that our drivers are the ones who can make a significant difference and they are real 'green' champions. By using DriveGreen to change their driving habits – even just in a small way – then the gains in terms of environmental efficiency are huge, as well as in areas such as the cost of fuel to the business, which means we can keep bus fares down, and the safety and comfort of our passengers."

Have you fucking bought a bus ticket recently Justin? Fuck you.