Thursday, 29 January 2009

Just how easy IS it to pass a GCSE?

This interview is a recording from the Today Programme on Radio 4 this morning. You can listen again here.

Seriously, this guy sounds like he can barely string a sentence together, but yet he has SEVEN GCSEs. How? How the fuck can he pass seven of them (regardless of his pass grade, he still passed them) if his level of literacy is clearly that bad?

It was da teachers...dere was some dat was workin from textbooks...and for some reason, if dey forgot da textbook, den how could we learn? It didn't make no sense.

I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions about this.

Yeah, attention was based on eevah da real good children or da real bad children, what about us average ones, you know, da ones in da middle dat's not so... bright, but we're not bad at da same time, we're doin' what we come 'ere to do, but you wanna focus elsewhere - it doesn't make sense.

I dread to think what "da real bad ones" are like.

Before I done da course, I didn't really fink too of English

...And now?

I quite fond of English now

Oh, good.


Jesus wept.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009


Feburary is LGBT History Month. Who knew? Bacardi and Cokes all round.

How will you celebrate it?

Personally I'm going to celebrate it wondering what other groups are going to "take" months of the year before I can declare August as "Fat Bastard History Month".

Seriously, what a load of shit. Why does the history of LGBT need to be celebrated anyway? I don't celebrate the history of heterosexuals.

Morgan Freeman explains the concept perfectly.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Government ordered to release Iraq meeting minutes

No, really. But what are the chances they'll be released, in full? I can confidently say "none".

They'll either:

* Appeal against the decision
* Veto the request under Section 53 of the Freedom of Information Act
* Release the minutes, but with so much black marker you can barely read it
* Release the minutes, but completely missing the bits they don't want read (you really think everything was minuted?)
* Just not release the minutes. After all, what are we mere mortals going to do about it?

I'm still hoping for the Channel 4 Drama "The Trial Of Tony Blair" to come true, but somehow I doubt it.

Monday, 26 January 2009

May as well add myself

A lot of UK bloggers have picked up on this one (and rightly fucking so!), so I may as well add myself to the database.

I fucking hate the government of this country and the way they treat me like an idiot, I think Gordon Brown is a bumbling, incompetent, droopy-eyed, air-gulping spastic who couldn't run a cold bath let alone a country. I also think every single MEP is a troughing cunt earning more in dodgy expense claims than I care to imagine, and that José Barroso can fuck himself with a rusty reel of barbed wire.

The fucking Stalinist cunts. Seriously. How the FUCK has it come to this without people noticing? Surely, surely people have to sit up now and see the EU for what it really is.

I hope the reporting on this is as widespread as possible.

Back permenantly now

Real life demands stopped blogging. Sorry!

Let's start with some tasty, tasty bullshit:

Let's have a look at this in more detail

Council tax rise just 3.5%

Sorry, JUST 3.5%? Maybe you'd like to justify that rise, Helen, given that inflation has fallen dramatically and we might even be heading for deflation? Oh, that's right, you fucking can't. Apparently, the council will identify

£7m of efficiency savings

This is, of course, just intended to sound good - the fact that they haven't identified where the savings are going to be made simply means that they don't know where they can. They might lay off a few staff (though not the 50% they could get away with laying off with little affect on half the service provided) but in truth they'll just cover extra costs with rises in their guaranteed income from council tax.

£200,000 to further improve recycling services

Further fuck up, I think you'll find - judging on recycling in Bristol so far.

Also, pay attention to "where the money goes" from about 3:42 onwards. Note that this only shows where the money spent on services goes - it does not show where the total incomings from Council Tax go - which of course is mostly wages and pension payments for council workers.

At least she's more coherent than Jandroid I suppose.

Monday, 19 January 2009

Apologies for lack of blogging...

...normal service will be resumed ASAP.

Starting, unsurprisingly, with this cunt:

Take a long, hard look at his stupid, ignorant Marxist face. Print it out, throw darts at it. This is the cunt that is partially responsible for sending our country to the fucking cleaners.

New set of measures to help banks

Let me get this straight - A new set of measures to "help" banks? What the fuck kind of "help" do the banks need?

And hasn't the taxpayer already bailed the banks out once? To, it seems, absolutely no end whatsoever? What the fucking fuck is the point in doing it again? Isn't this proof, if it were ever needed, that this fucking shower don't learn from their mistakes?

And why the urgency to get banks lending again? Who the fuck wants to borrow anything in this climate?

Thursday, 15 January 2009


From Old Holborn. Brilliant.

In your face, soap-dodgers

Looks like Heathrow's third runway is going ahead.

Looks like the unemployed (seemingly, apart from Alistair MacGowan) waste-of-space soap-dodging protestors will have to find something else to whinge about, other than trying to tell everyone else how much we should be "permitted" fly, and where we should holiday.

The sanctimonious cunts.

Monday, 12 January 2009

What goes around...

...comes around.

Seriously, that's fucking karma right there.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

The Bristol Blogger hits the nail on the head


My favourite paragraph is
Helen, you’re fucking clueless. This is the biggest economic crisis of most our lives and your response is to cut the wages of the low-paid while aimlessly wittering on about marketing and inventing pointless job titles for pointless executives. Get a fucking grip or do us all a favour and resign now and take all your absurd sponging executives with you please.

He is, of course, bang on the money. Where the fuck did this fascination of "marketing the city" come from, anyway? Why does a city need to be marketed, and how on earth do they expect Jandroid (who in every video I've seen of her speaking seems like she can barely string a sentence together) to be able to achieve anything useful with the £400k slush fund?

I know where the idea for "marketing" came from though, it's how MEPs have been justifying tax payer-funded jollies for years. I think they need to think of a new use for the money before everybody rumbles them.

Friday, 9 January 2009

Two options: Racing, or showing off.

Don't normally give a fuck about football, but...

Manchester United forward Cristiano Ronaldo has written off his Ferrari in a crash near Manchester Airport.

The 23-year-old winger was driving the sports car through a tunnel beneath the runways when he smashed into a barrier.

Greater Manchester Police (GMP) said his team-mate Edwin van der Sar was following in his Bentley, but the Dutch keeper was not involved in the crash.

Now having never driven a Ferrari (I know, what a pauper, eh?) I'm guessing here, but I expect they stick to the road like shit to a blanket. Also, given their cost, I'm guessing that outright suspension failure is unlikely, as is tyre failure. You don't buy a 120k supercar and fit "POWERSPEEDS" to it. So that only leaves the last option - he ran out of talent on a corner.

Despite denials of involvement, he was either racing Edwin, or was showing off trying to get the arse out round a corner in a tunnel. Either way, driving like a prick and deserving punishment.

Tenner says he gets off though.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

God-botherers annoyed by bus adverts

Personally, I thought the Atheist bus adverts were fantastic.

However, Christian Voice, with what appear to be grand delusions of their own relevance in modern society, have complained to the ASA claiming, and this bit is a fucking hoot, that:

"There is plenty of evidence for God, from people's personal experience, to the complexity, interdependence, beauty and design of the natural world.

"But there is scant evidence on the other side, so I think the advertisers are really going to struggle to show their claim is not an exaggeration or inaccurate, as the ASA code puts it."

Plenty of evidence for God?

Other than that from nutters such as yourself?

Right, thought not. As you were.

Possibly the most politically correct shit I've ever seen

From our old friends at, of course, Bristol City Council - here.

This is a guide on arranging "accessible" meetings, and is, in short, fucking hilarious.

The checklist at the beginning gives an idea of what we'll encounter:
A variety of food including food traditional to Black and other minority ethnic communities

Curry, and fried chicken and watermelon at BCC meetings? Wicked, count me in!

First, we start with the usual wheel-chair friendly bollocks:
The venue has either ramped, level or lift access to all meeting areas.

All door widths are at least 860mm wide. (900mm is preferred)
(I think this is fatty-friendly as well?)

Then it gets a bit more ridiculous:
Public transport is within an appropriate distance, eg 500m to a bus route.

Yeah, good luck with that in Bristol.

Then a bit more PC creeps in:
Cultural and religious requirements are taken into account. Ensure meetings or refreshment areas are not in areas with bars serving alcohol.

Nice to see that the religious nutters have BCC by the bollocks, as usual.

Ensure that there is are clear signs informing people with a hearing impairment that there is a loop system and how to use it.

So presumably there is an implication there has to be a "loop system" installed in every meeting venue?

Do not use all capital letters on signs because this makes the sign inaccessible to visually impaired people. Use lower case eg Toilet, Exit, etc.

Really? Really? Are you sure about that, BCC? Because to me, it just sound like steaming bullshit. So now you're saying visually impaired people can't cope anywhere that has all capital letters?

Ensure signs are no higher than 1400-1700mm.

Oh yeah, for the wheelchairs. The specific measurements though, imply you should carry a tape measure to every meeting.

Then it just turns farcical:
It is good practice to provide picture signs where possible, eg for fire escapes. Use pictures of both men and women in picture signs.

Seriously, men and women? So the "man" symbol on a sign isn't enough to just mean "person"? For fuck's sake.

Signs should be placed on seats near the front to reserve places for Deaf people and people with Usher Syndrome. This will enable them to easily access the interpreter.

Usher Syndrome? Is that like "Bride or Groom"? Oh, OK. But of course, they can't be "grouped" with deaf people, can they?

Where appropriate ensure translated signs are provided. As good practice, a welcome sign in different languages makes a positive statement that the service welcomes Black and ethnic minority people.

So does this mean you should have translators for the meeting as well? Or just translate the signs? Seems a bit pointless really.

Allow spaces for wheelchair users, and disperse amongst the other seating.

Oh, of course, you couldn't have them all sitting together, could you? That would be disablist.

Provide a variety of seating including back/neck support and padded chairs.

Seriously? I don't think I've ever been to a conference centre in the real world that has these kind of facilities.

Some cultural groups may require separate seating arrangements for men and women..

Yeah, medieval ones. Fuck 'em, they can sort that out between themeselves, surely?

Allocate rooms/areas for plenary sessions, workshops, refreshments, rest area/room, creche, exhibitions and registration.

Since we're not American, this really does just mean somewhere people can go for a rest, doesn't it. Christ on a bike.

The Equalities and Social Inclusion Team have loop system available, free of charge

They're called something even better now, the Equalities and Community Cohesion Team. You couldn't make this shit up, could you? And pray tell, what the fuck the name change was in aid of? What did it achieve?

Buffets are inaccessible to people with a visual impairment and some other Disabled people, offer one to one assistance.

Would you like some cheese? Maybe some ham? Simper, simper.

Consult with representatives of your targeted audience or the Equalities Team to ensure the programme includes an equalities perspective.

Ahhh, so that's basically what this team does. Sounds very valuable, and not at all a waste of taxpayer's money.

Then it starts to get even less "equal".
Ensure all Disabled participants can claim and be paid travel expenses in cash at the event.

Fucking hell. So not only are travel expenses seemingly only paid to Disabled people and not able-bodied people, but they get it in cash!! When does BCC pay anyone anything in cash?!?

The personal assistant should be introduced at the beginning of the meeting and should wear a name badge or a badge saying ‘personal assistant’. Invite Disabled people to use the personal assistant if she/he needs help in getting refreshments or removing empty coffee cups, holding papers, or needs someone to push their wheel chair.

I think "Personal Bitch" would be more appropriate.

Ensure that non-disabled people at the event are aware not to use the personal assistant.

But it's only the Disabled people's bitch. Know that, evil able-bodied people.

Ensure that tea, coffee, herbal teas, de-caffeinated coffee, and water/juice is available to participants throughout the event. Artificial sweeteners, as an alternative to sugar, should also be available.

Seriously, when was the last time you saw anything other than a tea urn and a coffee urn at a meeting? Herbal tea is presumably for the Equalities Team.

Publicity information for participants should be in clear, simple English and use positive images. People will be more likely to attend if they see themselves reflected in photographs and images. For example, include Disabled people, Black and other minority ethnic people, and women etc.

Ahhhh so that's the thinking behind every photo on every council bit of literature.

This, people, is what Bristol City Council see as "worthy" expenditure of your Council Tax. Paying for people to do this, and think up policies like this.

Fucking hell. Somehow the planned 3.5% increase in Council Tax seems just that little bit more with it, doesn't it.

Give me strength.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Can't say I'm not gutted

Hope he comes back.

I dunno which thread on GC was linked to, but I have a feeling it was the OH shitbin one, which if I remember rightly didn't actually have his address or phone number, but it did have his full name, which is basically enough. I wouldn't want my personal details posted up online, but in all honesty, he should just tell the people with "death threats" to fuck off.

I just can't give a fuck about it. Sorry.

This whole Israel/Palestine/Gaza bollocks. Apparently so important the BBC deem it necessary to use extra-large font on their website.

I'm sorry. Maybe I'm a heartless cunt but I just can't care about something happening half a world away, that has been happening for as long as I can remember. As far as I can understand, The Israelis have stolen land from the Palestinians, the Palestinians are pissed off about it so have been throwing rockets at the Israelis, who have responded in kind with shitloads of air strikes. I don't care who's fault it is.

I just hope the BBC have something else to report on soon.

I am however a bit disappointed that Old Holborn saw DK's stance on it as a reason to leave LPUK, which appears to have errupted into some sort of blogs comments row between him and Obo, all blogs I read and enjoy. Can't we just all get along? *mince*

Monday, 5 January 2009

Residents Parking going ahead

Despite the protests, despite the many, many flaws with the scheme, and the fact that even in the areas that they're introducing it support was only around 55%, Bristol City Council, in true fashion, are ploughing ahead regardless

And how is it even remotely fucking fair to have such a blatant vehemently car-hating councillor in charge of transport, in a city where the Public Transport options are so disgustingly woeful that often the only option is the car?

I fucking despair. Good thing the RPZ won't include me.

BME Boys underachieving

Shock horror. But of course, it can't possibly be their fault. Just like it can't be the fault of white kids who don't want to learn either. I note with interest that Bristol City Council deems it necessary to have a "Ensuring The Attainment Of Black And Minority Ethnic Boys Scrutiny Working Group" - which is a perfect title of a quangocrat if ever I heard one.

This document produced by Bristol City Council is full of little gems, like one of the external contributors being a Paulette Wisdom from "Visions of Esteem" (which is a title enough to make a bit of sick come into my mouth) and:
All educators responsible for educating black and minority ethnic boys (BME boys) need to be giving training on how to deal with different cultural expectations of behaviour in learning environments.

Why should there be any differences in expectations of behaviour in learning environments? When you're at school, you shut the fuck up and let the teacher do the teaching.

In order to change the educational outcomes of BME pupils, the 95.6% of White educators must engage in effective continuing professional development (CPD) so that the needs of BME pupils are adequately met in the classrooms

What might these needs be? How could educational needs of one race be different to another? We all need to learn.

The refocus of the role of the Ethnic Minority Achievement Team (EMAT) is to strength capacity of all schools in good practice for assessments and language development of BME pupils.

Why is it only the City Council that has these fucking pointless politically correct non-jobs? I dread to think how much the Ethnic Minority Achievement Team has cost the taxpayer, and to what end? If someone wants to learn at school, they will. If they don't, they won't, and no amount of nannying and interfering will change that. This whole thing smacks of creating jobs on the back of certain groups of schoolkids not doing very well, with no real benefit. Typical fucking LEA bullshit.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Ever wondered how Jan Ormondroyd gets £180k?

Here's your answer.

I can't really see what on earth she has done for the city to earn her well-publicised £180,000 a year, but at least now we know how she managed to wangle such a sum.

Solace Enterprises, a recruitment company, is paid fees of about £20,000 by local councils to headhunt chief executives and recommend salary levels.

Its advice has contributed to burgeoning pay packets for chief executives, many of whom are now paid more than £150,000 a year. The company is wholly owned by the Society of Local Authority Chief Executives and Senior Managers (Solace), which represents town hall bosses. The company’s directors include a number of serving chief executives.

Well, there's a fucking surprise. You have to remember that Chief Executives of Councils aren't the same as Chief Executives of private companies. In the private sector, CEOs have the responsibility of ensuring the company survives, whether by making revenue or cost-cutting. Whether you agree with high salaries of private sector CEOs they are at least paid for this responsibility. If they don't succeed, they are sacked. None of these responsibilities really exist in the public sector. They exist on paper, but in practice it doesn't really happen - the Council is probably one of the least efficient companies in Bristol. Where private companies are hit by the downturn and have to streamline their processes and sometimes have to consider redundancies just to survive, the Council just put up Council Tax. As BCC is planning to do with us, with a planned increase of 3.5%.

Never mind. At least our Chief Executive is worth it. Really.

UPDATE: Jan was recruited by Rockpools to
lead the dynamic and diverse city of Bristol.

(Thanks Chris)

I'm interested to know exactly what this "leadership" has consisted of, and how, in any way, it justifies a taxpayer-funded salary of £180,000. Or whether Rockpool deserved the (up to) £70,000 BCC spent on recruitment fees alone. Certainly, given her performance in this video, she strikes me as a bit, well, slow.

Saved again

Praise be, we're saved! Gorgon is to create 100,000 jobs.

Have you ever seen such an arrogant expression? Fuck me, it's a face that's begging to be punched.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed details of a programme to create 100,000 jobs as part of a new initiative to curb rising unemployment.

Mr Brown told the Observer of a programme of investment in new technologies and green projects.

He said the environment is part of the solution to the recession.

To quote other more seasoned commentators, fucking hellski.

Saturday, 3 January 2009

"Anger" over 99p drinks in Bristol pubs

Anger? Who on earth would be "angry" about having to pay less for something, least of all booze?

Oh yes, that's right, these fucking interfering, nannying cunts.

Health campaigners, MPs and councillors have joined forces to criticise the sale of cut-price alcohol in Bristol.

From Monday pints of beer will be sold for just 99p at the city's nine Wetherspoon's pubs.

Although the pub chain promises to serve drinkers responsibly, Dr Chris Payne, director of public health at South Gloucestershire primary care trust (PCT), said: "Alcohol related admissions are on the increase for both men and women, and there has certainly been an increase in binge drinking in young people.

"This sort of move could make this worse, as there is a clear link between pricing and alcohol consumption. I think it is particularly bad timing when people are making their New Year's resolutions to try and cut down. These deals will make it more difficult for them."

Pray tell, Dr Payne (how apt), what the FUCK this nannying bullshit you're having the temerity to spew is? You might be "angry" at the fact that Wetherspoons are serving beer at 99p a pint, well, I'm fucking livid that you and your busybody "we know best, so just shut up and listen, proles" mates believe you have the right to decide how much people have to spend on beer.

The idea that more expensive drink will make people drink less is ridiculous, people will still get pissed on the weekend, it'll just cost them more.

Still, one look at Dr. Payne explains everything.

He looks like he's never had a drink in his life. I wonder if he even has any mates...