I demand fair funding too

Welsh and Scottish nationalist parties say they will demand "fair funding" before negotiating with Labour or the Conservatives in a hung Parliament.

I demand it too. The Barnett Formula results in the Morlocks and the Porridge-Wogs getting more money per person than we get.

* England £7,121
* Scotland £8,623
* Wales £8,139
* Northern Ireland £9,385

(figures from Public Expenditure Statistical Analyses (PESA) 2007, chapter 9, table 9.2)

So "fairer funding" would presumably work out (in the above example) as the same amount per person in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, would it not, Mr. Salmond? Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Jones?

Oh, it wouldn't? But pray tell, why not? What would be fairer?

You fucking grasping cunts.

Update: Forest Pines pointed out that I was a complete mong with the figures in the first post. Thanks, I have now updated it to show what I meant.

Not to worry, we saw it coming

The London Olympics project is facing a "worryingly tight" financial position, a Commons committee has warned. The public accounts committee said building for the 2012 Games was on track, but unforeseen problems were putting pressure on contingency funds.

Oh, right. I've just double-checked, and this is definitely on BBC News, a site dedicated to bringing us, well, news - but yet I'm not at all surprised by this. As much as I'd like to be even slightly patriotic and supportive, we do have a history of royally fucking this kind of thing up. When I watched China's opening ceremony, part of me was fairly impressed (albeit with niggling feelings about the CGI fireworks and the fact that they'd probably all been beaten into performing it well) but I also had feelings of dread that whilst it would be hard for any country to follow that, we're perhaps the worst ones to do it.

Is it just me that feels that despite Seb Coe's earnest pleadings, our ceremony will be fucking shit, and we'll be billions more over budget than we are now? I can't help but feel the rest of the world is excited to see just how shit our ceremony is, and how we can't add up:

The £9.325bn budget for the Olympics is triple the original estimate for the project.

The PAC report concludes: "Staying within the budget also depends on receiving some £600m receipts from the Olympic Village development.

"So the position is tight, with no room for complacency and limited flexibility to respond to new problems as the Games approach."

Also not a surprise. And what the fuck are

unforeseen problems

?

Maybe you'd like to tell us what the fuck problems you've come across that are unforseen? The building is behind schedule? Maybe over budget? They're fucking builders, for fuck sake, what did you expect? I dread to think the amount of air that was sucked through teeth when this project was first proposed, and now you're fucking standing there staring at your feet and admitting you've spent nearly all the money on contractors and advisors who have probably sat on their arse knowing they in turn can blame "unforeseen problems" at the last minute and demand you pay them more money?

I'm fucking dreading this.

And whilst we're on the subject of famers

Those poor, hard-up farmers. Remember how much they bleated about how much they'd suffer during foot-and-mouth, and BSE?

Take a look at this when you get a chance, then realise that they're yearly figures, and that's only for the UK.

The mind boggles.

The hypocritical French

Nestled in a story on the BBC about a Eurosceptic French town:

But many people here harbour increasing anti-European feelings as unemployment rises and farm subsidies fall.

"They feel cheated by the euro and they think prices went up when it came in, even if that's not really true," Ms Auteau says.

"And with the expansion of the EU to the east, we feel we're being over-taxed, that we're feeding the others."

Ahem, mes amis:

Bristol's anti-car bias waning

Thank fuck for that.

The first stage of a controversial residents' parking scheme in Bristol will not go ahead.

A meeting of the city council's cabinet voted against the plan for Cliftonwood which would have seen residents pay to park outside their homes.

As they should have done, given the responses to the CONsultation. However, it's not all rosy:

A similar scheme in Kingsdown was deferred to allow more consultation.

Read as: A similar scheme in Kingsdown was deferred to allow the question to be asked again and again in a variety of different ways until the Council get the answer they want.

Local councils "tolerate" illegally-camped pikies

As you may know, I fucking hate pikies. So it annoys me even more when I notice shit like this:

Councils will receive new powers to speed up enforcement action against the scores of traveller caravans on illegal sites in the Bristol region.

Communities Secretary John Denham said the shake-up in planning rules, which will take effect next month, would slash the time that must elapse before councils can take action against unauthorised camps.

And how long is that period currently?

Under the current rules, anyone denied retrospective consent for a development that was built without permission has six months to appeal against the refusal. From April 6, this will be reduced to 28 days.

Six months? Six fucking months? No wonder pikies are able to dump their shit somewhere they have no right to, burgle local houses, and fuck up local drive tarmaccing without any fear of being turfed out. Where did these fucking "pikey rights" come from anyway?

Figures published by Mr Denham's Department for Communities and Local Government show that on the last official count South Gloucestershire reported 51 illegally parked caravans on private land, more than double the amount recorded in 2007, and three on traveller-owned land.

A further 206 were logged on the council's records, although they either have planning permission or are "tolerated" by the local authority.

Tolerated? Fucking tolerated? Why the fucking hell are they "tolerating" these scrounging, theiving, filthy feral scum, who contribute FUCK ALL to society, but demand everything they can? Fucking turf them out. I bet the local community doesn't "tolerate" them.

One for the Bristolians - RIP Chris Hutt

We may not have seen eye to eye on many issues but nevertheless you stood up for what you believed in, and for that you must be commended.

Rest In Peace Chris.

Chris Hutt

Government announce another IT project failure

Well, it's not actually failed yet, but I can tell you it fucking will.

Everyone in the country is to be given a personalised webpage for accessing Government services within a year as part of a plan to save billions of pounds by putting all public services online, Gordon Brown is to announce.

Because, of course, the government's track record on large-scale IT projects is just fucking tickety-boo, isn't it? And it's pretty inevitable that the "within a year" will be quietly dropped in a month or two. After all, the contract will be awarded to the company best for the job company with the largest Labour party donations, and then it will be way over-budget and over-time (see NHS Computer System).

The Prime Minister has previously hailed the potential for the internet to slash the costs of delivering services by reducing paper forms, face-to-face contact with officials, postage, phone calls and building costs.

So he'd been told about this thing called "the internet" but didn't really know what it was, or how it worked.

He is now set to use a speech on Monday to unveil plans to give every voter a unique identifier allowing them to apply for school places, book GP appointments, claim benefits, get a new passport, pay council tax or register a car.

Here it is - the smoking gun. You are now just going to be a number. And of course the database holding all this deeply personal information will be nice and secure will it?

And what's the betting that once everything like this is done through a central point, we'll then require a card to do it? Maybe...an ID card?

Leave us the fuck alone.

Alarmist Climate Change Adverts Banned

Fantastic news.

Two government press adverts which used nursery rhymes to raise awareness of climate change have been banned by the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA).

It said the advertisements went beyond mainstream scientific consensus in asserting that climate change would cause flooding and drought.

The ASA finally does its job.

The ASA ruled that the banned adverts, created on behalf of the Department of Energy and Climate Change (DECC) to promote its carbon reduction initiative, made exaggerated claims about the threat posed to the UK by global warming.

Are you listening, environmentocunts?

And Ed Milliband still proves he's an utter cock:

"What is the job of the government? It is to lead. Sitting in the position I do, meeting the scientists I do, who tell me about their great fears about climate change and the impact it will have on peoples' way of life and the very high likelihoods we will see the events we were talking about in those ads.

He thinks the job of the government is to "lead" (read: "control") people.

"Frankly it would be grossly irresponsible of me not to draw peoples' attention to that and not to explain how people can make a difference themselves."

And presumably, when they tell you to fuck off and stop interfering in their lives, force them to make a difference.

Fuck you, Milliband, you power-crazy pious cuntwaft.

Baroness Uddin: Grasping cunt, still won't be charged

Staggering. Just fucking staggering.

Labour peer Baroness Uddin will not face charges over her expenses, the Crown Prosecution Service has said.

She had been accused of designating a rarely-used flat in Kent as her main home so she could claim allowances for peers living outside London.

She was one of the most obvious troughers, and yet the most arrogant with the strongest ideas of entitlement.

Police had obtained evidence from neighbours of Baroness Uddin and from water, gas and electric companies supplying the flat in Maidstone.

So pretty conclusive then? Especially the utility company's information?

Apparently not...

But Director of Public Prosecutions Mr Starmer said the definition of a peer's "main home" in the Lords expenses scheme would always have been "critical to any possible criminal proceedings against Baroness Uddin".

But he said "only or main residence" had not been defined and last November the Clerk of Parliaments Michael Pownall said that ultimately "it is up to members to designate an address as their main residence as they see fit".

He had set a threshold that peers must visit their "main home" at least once a month.

Absolutely unbeliveable. There are no words.



Except....

FUCK YOU, UDDIN, YOU GRASPING CUNT. GIVE US OUR FUCKING MONEY BACK.


Update: CF points out that no less than three of the people on the Spitalsfield Housing Association (who provide this dirt-cheap accommodation to the needy) Board of Management also have the surname Uddin. Quelle surprise.

Official: Even the Morlocks think S4C is shit

Reports Reg:

Almost 200 Welsh language programmes broadcast by S4C last month attracted precisely zero viewers, leaked audience figures show.

Does this really come as any surprise to anyone?

The figures suggest an incoming Tory government will have the Welsh language channel right next to the BBC on its media working-over list.

Good.

And here's another reason in support of devolution, frankly:

The channel gets around £100m of government funding to service the UK's Wales' Welsh-speaking community, and apparently a number of English speakers who have maladjusted TV aerials.

£100m of central government funding? Fuck me. If unemployment stats are anything to go by, it seems like most of Wales is "on the sick" anyway, so I'd wager a hefty chunk of this is paid for by taxpayers who don't even speak Welsh.

Now, you could argue the same applies to my tax paying for schools when I don't have kids, but I recognise schools as being an essential part of society and a benefit to a society as a whole. Same with hospitals, even if I don't use them. But crappy soaps that require English subtitles because only 20% of the country speak the fucking pointless ridiculous phlegm-gargling language they're recorded in, are not a benefit to society.

Don't even get me started on BBC fucking Alba.

MET Office admits its long-term forecasts are shit

Here.

The Met Office is to stop publishing seasonal forecasts, after it came in for criticism for failing to predict extreme weather.

It was berated for not foreseeing that the UK would suffer this cold winter or the last three wet summers in its seasonal forecasts.

Finally, they're admitting it.

Explaining its decision, the Met Office released a statement which said: "By their nature, forecasts become less accurate the further out we look.

"Although we can identify general patterns of weather, the science does not exist to allow an exact forecast beyond five days, or to absolutely promise a certain type of weather.

But yet "the science is decided" when it comes to them telling us what the weather will be like in decades to come, or being condfident that we all need to feel guilty just for fucking existing, because we're killing the planet. Right.

Euro Car Parks At It Again

This time with Sainsbury's, but making sure you're a Blue Badge holder, or have kids with you, to park in the Disabled/Parent & Child spaces.



However, with no obvious CCTV cameras over the Disabled/Parent & Child spaces I fail to see how they'll police this. Also the smallprint on the sign states that this is in operation 24 hours a day - now, whilst I don't park in Disabled/Parent & Child spaces as a rule, I'm sorry - at 9:30pm, when frankly children under 12 should be in bed, they're fucking fair game as far as I'm concerned.

They state that 50% of all monies returned to Sainsbury's will be donated to Mencap, after Euro Car Parks have taken their cut I'd wager this is about £2.50.

Still, all of this is completely irrelevant as these "Parking Charge Notices" (note the clever use of words there) are completely unenforceable. Warnings of bailiffs are equally bollocks, as they'll need a CCJ granted in their favour before they can even contemplate sending bailiffs, which will never happen. You have not broken any laws and they cannot legally request the money.

Bristol City Council pick the wrong traffic lights to turn off

UPDATE: The Google Streetview applets were making this page far too slow to load, so I have converted them to images. You can still click the "View Larger Map" links below the images for the full Streetview page.

The Evening Post seems to be pretty excited that BCC are going to be turning a couple of traffic light sets off.

A trial switch-off of traffic lights in Bristol city centre is to start on Monday.

Lights at the junctions of Broad Quay, Prince Street and Marsh Street near Harbourside and where Union Street meets Nelson Street in Broadmead are involved.

I wonder why these particular lights have been picked? First, let's take a look at the Union Street/Nelson Street junction:


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Plenty of pedestrians waiting to cross, and in my experience that's a quiet example. At lunchtime and the beginning and end of the day (and all day Saturday) it's hugely busy. Getting rid of the traffic lights here would result in chaos as pedestrians just try and cross in front of cars as they get tired of waiting. You'll also notice a bus coming from the left, only buses and cyclists are allowed to go down that road, so there's not a huge amount of traffic coming from the left. Nothing to be gained from removing these lights, and everything to be lost (for both pedestrians AND motorists).

Let's look at the other set, Prince Street/Broad Quay/Marsh Street:


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In my experience, this is as busy as it ever gets, so in theory you wouldn't lose anything by switching the lights off here, but more importantly, you wouldn't really gain anything either.

So why have Bristol City Council picked these two particular sets of lights? Is it because they're the ones that would have the most minimal impact possible, so they can then declare the trial a complete waste of time and not proceed any further with it?

If they're after meaningful lights to either switch off, or more importantly correct the timings on, I'm only too happy to oblige:

1) THESE FUCKING LIGHTS on Redcliffe Way.


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It switches between allowing the bus lane through and allowing the traffic through, but it works on a timer and not sensors, therefore you have the absurd situation as above where traffic is held on a red light, where the bus lane is on a green so some non-existent buses can drive through. It switches between the bus lane and the normal traffic lane, even when there are no buses - it's fucking infuriating. Just get rid of them completely, they're not necessary. The bus can merge with normal traffic before the next set of lights.

2) Temple Circus Gyratory


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Well, what a complete clusterfuck of a traffic management FUCK UP this roundabout is. If you want a lesson on just how badly it's possible for traffic engineers to fuck things up, look no further than here.

The above Google Streetview shot is a perfect case in point. The traffic lights on the roundabout are green showing traffic should proceed, but they fucking can't, because the pedestrian crossing lights are on red, stopping any traffic leaving the roundabout. It's a schoolboy error, and it's never been corrected.

In fact, why the fucking hell is that pedestrian crossing even there in the first place, given that a few yards down the road there is another crossing outside of Temple Meads station?

3) This STUPID pedestrian crossing.


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Why the fuck is it here? There's a crossing just a bit further down the road outside Temple Meads. Also, this crossing is just before the Temple Circus Gyratory (to the left in the background of the picture) but is in no way linked to these, so you get the ridiculous situation that the lights for that Gyratory entry are green, but the no traffic is flowing through because this stupid fucking pointless pedestrian crossing is holding up all the traffic!

The fact that these ridiculous traffic light setups still exist, causing congestion around the Temple Meads area EVERY FUCKING DAY, and that Bristol City Council's traffic officers have done nothing to resolve it, is proof that the congestion is not only deliberate, but wanted by Council officers, so they can justify the introduction of a congestion charge.

The fucking cunts.

UPDATE: User submissions:

4) Lewin's Mead (same as number 1 above)


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Thanks to Paul for pointing this one out in the comments, it's the same problem as number 1) above, there is a bus lane/normal traffic split, but the lights are on a timer (again, not a sensor) that runs 24 hours a day, even though there's no buses running after about 11:30pm.

5) St Augestines Parade/Colston Avenue

Thanks again to Paul for reminding me of this abomination. For those who don't remember the traffic system before they changed it to this with the fountains, it generally just worked (and looked pretty good too). Now it looks good with the fountains and all, but god all fucking mighty, have they fucked this junction up. The photo taken by the Google Streeet View car doesn't give a very good impression of how bad it can get, luckily the satelite view can oblige:


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Take a look at the two white rectangles in the centre of the image, which are obviously buses. This is a light example of how bad it can get with buses waiting at the traffic lights in the top right-hand corner of the "X" stopping any traffic progressing towards the bottom left-hand corner. Because of this stupidly designed, over-engineered junction, the traffic queues all the way around St Augustine's parade, getting so far as to fuck up the junction with Quay Street.

All of this occurs because of the design of the fountains, meaning you couldn't just treat the area as a giant roundabout like it was (which worked very well). There would have been no need for this stupid X shaped road section in the middle, which fucks everything up. Without that, you could just have one massive roundabout with an exit at each corner, and peripheral exits for Colston Street, St Stephen's Street, etc. It's fucking mad and it proves that when this was designed and researched, they really didn't give a flying fuck about how it would affect traffic.

But Gordon, Targets are the problem!

Gordon Brown is to tell police forces to put more officers on the beat in an effort to increase the public's confidence in law and order.

The prime minister will say it is not "acceptable" to miss the government target of having neighbourhood PCs on patrol for at least 80% of the time.

Don't you realise, you fucking dribbling mong, that it is because of all the targets and paperwork you foist onto the police that they don't have the time to be out on patrol more?

"So my challenge to local authorities and police authorities around the country is to match our commitment to protecting front line policing - or else explain to their communities why they are not prepared to do so."

You're playing a dangerous game, snotgobbler. They will be only too happy to point out the reasons they don't have the time to be on patrol for at least 80% of the time.