Bristol Dave

Relaunch soon

2011-02-02T10:48:00.001Z

Watch this space.

The truth about Bristol City Council and Open Source Software

2010-09-22T21:17:00.002+01:00

I've been contacted by someone who is trying to get a perfectly reasonable comment past the moderators on The Register for this article which almost reads like an advert for Bristol City Council's IT department. The fact they're not letting this comment through speaks volumes.

So what is this information?

Well, it concerns this:

The council has been seen as something of a poster child for open source public sector contracts in the past. In November 2004 it declared plans to shift 5,000 workers off proprietary desktop software over to Sun Microsystem’s StarOffice 7, in a move it said at the time would save £1.4m by 2009

I'm told this is not how it went down. Apparently, there were a number of terrible decisions made with this roll-out, chief of which was to not set the default file type that it opened/saved to Microsoft Office, instead keeping it at OpenDocument Format. Apparently this was done because it's the "European Standard" (never mind that it's not any kind of standard, given that nearly all companies use MS Office), but this decision, combined with poor communication and training of staff resulted in many,many staff thinking that they wouldn't be able to open and save the MS Office documents they and external companies used, so they applied for an "Exception", ensuring they could still use Office.

So what's the outcome of this?

At the end of the StarOffice roll-out, there were more individual MS Office licenses purchased and in use than before.

So instead of saving £1.4m they actually lost money.

Nice to see they're so honest about it.

Ugh, I feel sick

2010-09-21T12:45:00.002+01:00

A YOUNG Catholic who received a personal blessing from the Pope during his visit to the UK said it has given her renewed hope and faith.

Really.

Alice O'Neill, from Westbury-on- Trym, was among more than 3,500 Bristolians who visited London and Birmingham over the weekend hoping to get a glimpse of the Holy Father during his four-day trip.

Among them was TV presenter Sherrie Eugene-Hart, who led prayers in front of 80,000 people and described the event as like "being backstage at a Michael Jackson concert".

Is this because the pope is practically dead too?

When she kneeled at his feet, Pope Benedict XVI took her hand and gave her a blessing.

Miss O'Neill said: "I can't describe how amazing a moment it was.

"I was right next to him and he gave me a blessing. It was mesmeric, just so profound.

Nice, so he limply grabbed her hand and mumbled something indecipherable at her. Yes, very profound indeed.

"He is such a gentle man. He sometimes seems stern when you are far off and from the things he says, but his messages are so hopeful.

Like his messages that condoms actually increase the spread of AIDS, or his extensive covering-up of child abuse within the church?

"But if there had any danger of me drifting away from the church there isn't any more. It has really confirmed my faith."

Confirmed your delusion, more like.

The wonders of the cult of personality.

Turns out nobody gives a fuck

2010-09-14T11:13:00.003+01:00

About a religious nutter in a dress visiting the UK.

Thousands of tickets remain unsold for events during the visit of the Pope, who arrives in Scotland on Thursday.

The largest organised event is an open-air Mass at Bellahouston Park in Glasgow on the opening day of Pope Benedict XVI's trip to the UK.

The capacity has been reduced to 80,000 after a slow take-up of tickets.

When will the god botherers realise that they religion just isn't relevant in today's society? Nobody gives a fuck - and that's how it should be. As far as I'm concerned, religion is a personal thing. If you're stupid enough to beleive in some made-up deity written about in a work of fiction, then that's entirely your choice. But don't fucking foist it onto me.

And I'm fucked if the taxpayer should pay for the pope's visit. If the god-botherers think he's so important, why the fuck don't THEY fund his pointless fucking visit in its entirety?

FUCK YOU, you arrogant, bible-bashing, child-abuse-advocating, outdated, irrelevant, invented-deity-worshipping CUNTS.

Bring it on!

2010-09-11T01:03:00.003+01:00

So the BBC reports that the government is going to ban wheel clamping on private land, but that motoring organisations have claimed that the mouthbreathing, knuckle-dragging fucktards that currently affix clamps to our cars will instead turn to ticketing.

Fucking brilliant! Bring it the fuck on.

Why?

Because currently if some orangutan in a van clamps your car, there's not REALLY a lot you can do. You can try and remove it without damaging it and return it as lost property, you can angle-grind it off (hoping they don't catch you in the process) and you can pay the extortionate "release fee".

With tickets, it can just go straight in the bin, and there's not a lot they can really do to you. They can take you to court, but they're never going there due to their shady business practices. They're just going to rely on the 30% of fucking idiots who will just pay up without question.

I can't wait.

Tinishya Marshall

2010-09-08T21:05:00.004+01:00

A local girl who's currently missing.

Now, obviously the family are distraught, and I wouldn't want to wish a missing child on anyone.

She went missing in Southmead, which the non-Bristolian readers will probably remember was the setting for the "Cor blimey, aren't chavs racist" Panorama episode. A particularly nasty chav area of Bristol.

However, a couple of things sprung to my mind at least - firstly, "Tinishya"? Really? How the fuck are these chav parents coming up with these ridiculous names for their kids? Do they just throw a handful of Scrabble letters on the floor and draw inspiration from that?

Secondly, nobody bar the Daily Mail (of course) has really mentioned the fact that she's 14 with an 11 month old daughter - I'm assuming because becoming pregnant at 12 or 13 is just the norm now.

Which is why it's particularly amusing that her mum who set up the Facebook group about Tinishya has "When I was your age, I lost my tooth. Not my virginty." listed as one of her "likes" on Facebook. Oh, the ironing.

If anyone needs descriptions of Tinishya and her daughter, Sophie (at least she chose a normal name, for fuck's sake) they were both wearing velour tracksuits at the time. Yes, even the 11 month old daughter. As if you needed telling that.

Sorry I fucked off for so long

2010-09-08T21:03:00.000+01:00

I kind of ran out of things to talk about. Politics had got boring, nothing really local happening, no juicy council info. A lot of people have gone the same way. Only I decided to come back.

And straight back in with...

Returning soon

2010-09-08T14:33:00.001+01:00

If anyone still reads this?

* Ashton Court Festival Replacement Cancelled *

2010-07-09T01:03:00.002+01:00

Unfortunatley [sic] this concert has been cancelled.

But, but.... 12,000 people were supposed to attend! Or at least, that's what the Evening Post article said, even though they were charging silly money for tickets.

Wonder why it's cancelled? Did they just read the mood of Bristolian people wrong, or is it partly to do with the fact that my post slagging it off comes second in the Google search results for "Ashton Court Festival"? *evil grin*

Pickles was right

2010-07-08T22:48:00.002+01:00

He might look like a fucking walrus, but his scathing attack on Local Councils was of course, bang on.

Why was he bang on?

Because look at the fucking SHIT that our old friends Bristol City Council are having the temerity to foist upon us:

EMPLOYERS in Bristol face a new tax of hundreds of pounds a year for every parking space they provide for their staff.

The city council is looking to introduce an annual "work place levy" on companies that provide staff car parking spaces at their premises.

The move is intended to force more commuters out of their cars and on to their bikes or the city's buses.

Those would be the buses that are punctual, cheap, and reliable, would they?

Details of the scheme are thin on the ground and the amount to be charged has yet to be decided but it has already been branded a "tax on businesses".

No, it's a "tax on commuters". Businesses will pass the cost onto employees that park because they won't be able to afford to/won't want to pay it.

The council says it is "exploring the potential" of the scheme

I bet they fucking are.

which would be most likely to affect businesses in central Bristol. The authority says it would pay for its own staff parking spaces if the tax was brought in.

Fucking unbelieveable. So the Council is going to pay itself, using it's own money collected from council tax payers? Glory fucking be! And how much will that cost to do, whilst achieving the square root of precisely fuck-all?

Bristol City Council hopes that charging companies in this way will force more people on to public transport, reducing taxpayer-funded subsidies and making more money available for transport improvements.

But Bristol City Council hardly subsidises public transport anyway! The only one I can think of is the Night buses. And who the fuck are the Council to "force" people onto public transport anyway? That's not their fucking job. They are there to provide services, not force whether people use them or not. I can just imagine what the transport improvements are, a couple of bus lanes here and there, maybe a cycle path. And it gets better....

The levy could be seen as an example of the new advice given to the West of England Partnership – the body comprising all of the former Avon area councils – to make life "more difficult, more awkward and more expensive" for drivers.

The Post reported on Tuesday that the partnership was told to get tough on motorists by the Transport Planning Commission, a consultation body that includes the University of the West of England, Bristol Primary Care Trust, cycling charity Sustrans and the city's main bus operator, First.

You just couldn't make this shit up, could you? Fuck, and we thought things were bad at the moment.

Fuck you, BCC. Where is the carrot you fucking promised us before the stick? Fucking where? It's dried up and mouldy and lying in the gutter, that's where it is. Go fuck yourselves, you bunch of statist control-freak cunts.

Sorry, what?

2010-07-08T00:31:00.002+01:00

Why does the BBC keep losing talent?

Come again? Talent, you say?

Nice work if you can get it

2010-07-02T08:17:00.003+01:00

The six-figure salaries of more than 150 bosses of taxpayer-supported quangos have been published.

The highest sum listed was the £394,999 paid to Olympic Delivery Authority chief executive David Higgins.

He was one of eight senior figures at the body earning in excess of £200,000 a year.

Fuck me. That's fucking insane. The list is available in CSV and XML format, and of particular interest is the "Organisation" Column, as it lists just some of the ridiculous organisations ("Horserace Betting Levy Board", anyone?) whose CEOs get huge salaries paid by us.

And fucking for what?

What the fuck is Alan Davey, the Chief Exec of The Arts Council, for fucks sake, doing for taxpayers to justify him earning over £150k? Or the Neil MacGregor, the Director of the British Museum, who puts away over £175k a year? Who the fuck even are "Buying Solutions" (Alison Littley, £150k), "Directly Operated Rail" (Elaine Holt, £180k), "Postcomm" (Tim Brown, £150k), or the "Waste and Resources Action Programme" (E Goodwin, £160k)? What the fuck is the "Olympic Delivery Authority", with a salary bill of it's directors alone well in excess of £2million, and how does it differ from the "Olympic Park Legacy Company"? Why the fuck does the Chief Executive of Ordnance Survey, who let's face it - just make fucking maps, deserve a taxpayer-funded salary of £190k? What the fucking hell are they really doing for the taxpayer?

A bunch of these people aren't even fucking full-timers. Lord David Rowe-Beddoe of Kilgetty, for example, earns £35k-£39k a year (which is a perfectly respectable salary) as a Deputy Chair of the UK Statistics authority, but he only works 4 days a month. David Norgrove is the Chairman of the Pensions Regulator and earns £110k a year, which I would say is still too much for a taxpayer-funded salary, until you realise he's only a fucking part-timer working 3 days a fucking week.

Sack the lot of them! I don't for one second buy this bullshit that they need to offer a decent salary to "attract the right people" - bullshit. They never attract the right people anyway. And what the fuck do these poeple do all day? Really? I'd wager they sit in "meetings" that achieve the square root of fuck all, and occasionally send emails to the organisation rambling about "strategy", "direction", "low-hanging fruit", and "enabling change".

I don't know how any average taxpayer can't read this list and not get fucking livid.

We could save a lot of money by cutting every one of these salaries in half. And would the country be worse off for it? Would it fuck.

Oh, for fucks sake

2010-06-30T14:11:00.000+01:00

I think I'm going to be sick.

Renewable Energy - Waste of fucking time

2010-06-29T12:31:00.002+01:00

Just ask the residents of the Isle of Eigg.

esidents on the Isle of Eigg have been trying to use household appliances less after a lack of rain affected its hydro power schemes.

The island community has won awards for its renewable power projects, which charge batteries to provide homes with electricity.

Eigg Heritage Trust secretary Maggie Fyffe said islanders were using items such as toasters as little as possible.

Are you sure you want the UK to have renewable energy generation after reading this? The Greenie sandalistas need to wake up and smell the fucking coffee. Green energy might make them feel cosy inside but the inconvenient truth is that it's just not something you can rely on and it costs a fucking fortune. And does this mean we'll have a ban on toasters and electric power showers if we go for a totally renewable power supply?

The telegraph reports that

The trust is now planning to spend part of its £300,000 share of the prize money on more solar panels to prevent a repeat of the shortages in future years.

Which still won't be enough.

Nuclear is currently the only way forward. When will the environmentalists learn?

* Shirley Brown Guilty *

2010-06-28T18:42:00.003+01:00

There you go, turns out black people can be racist - Shirley Brown has been found guilty of racially-aggravated harassment of Jay Jethwa in Court. This is the same Shirley Brown (née Marshall) who stated that black people can't be racist, as well as claiming her Councillor's allowance whilst "ill" (read as :spending most of her time in Florida).

Fuck you, Shirley, you fat, racist piece of shit.

Staggering hypocrisy from the ex-Nazi man in a dress

2010-06-27T14:32:00.003+01:00

Pope Benedict has joined mounting Vatican criticism of raids by Belgian police investigating alleged child sex abuse, calling them "deplorable".

What does he consider the child abuse apparently rife within the Catholic church to be then?

Fucking hypocrite. Deplorable, indeed. Tell that to the parents of the victims that these priests undoubtably abused.

Oh, I quite agree!*

2010-06-18T13:37:00.002+01:00

* With the bus driver, that is.

A pregnant mother says she was forced to get off a bus because the driver was disturbed by her toddler's behaviour.

I expect the other passengers were disturbed by it too. And I'm not wanting to draw stereotypes on the names, but...

Sharon Tracey, 35, said she was told by the driver to keep her two-year-old son Brandon quiet on the number 62 bus in Plymouth, Devon.

And as if by magic, *Ping!* - the chav mum arrived.

She got on the bus with Brandon who was in his pushchair.

She said: "He had been in town, he was fed up and hot and was screaming to get out.

The other passengers must have loved you.

"I was doing my best to keep him quiet.

"The driver turned round and said if I did not shut him up we would be thrown off.

"I tried in vain to keep him quiet as I felt a bit embarrassed."

Don't tell me, you threatened him with a smack. Always seems to work for every other chav mother with a screaming kid, doesn't it? No?

This is why I avoid public transport. You have to share it with the public and their screaming fuck-trophies.

Hug A Gypo

2010-06-16T14:28:00.004+01:00

Or at least, attend expensive training courses on how to do so.

This one-day event is suitable for those with contact with Gypsy and Traveller groups and for anyone whose work impacts on Gypsies and Travellers to explore the fundamental differences between different travelling communities. It is of particular benefit for Elected Members, planners, social inclusion officers, education and health workers.

Sounds like a barrel of laughs. Really.

Gypsy & Traveller Awareness – exploring the perceptions, myths, history, traditions, culture, ceremonies and etiquette relevant to the various Gypsy & Traveller groups

Gypo Etiquette? Is that like warning people you're going to break into their house before you do, or bothering to write "tax in post" on a scrap of paper for your Van?

Gypsy & Traveller Panel – (a question and answer session) the panel will consist of representatives of different traveller groups including Romany, Irish and New Travellers

"I like dags."
"Do you like caravans?"
"Tarmac yer drive?"

Tolerance and Acceptance – engaging with the settled community by rebuilding pre-conceived perceptions and breaking down barriers

See, this is the problem. The hand-wringers that run these courses (including this one, this one and this one) live in a world far separated from reality where they simply cannot concieve a situation where Pikey Gypo's are just a bunch of theiving cunts. It's not the Gypo's that are the problem, trashing taxpayer-funded sites that are all too willingly provided for them, stealing from local houses and shops, burning out cars, and getting into fights - it is of course the settled community's fault for having "pre-conceived perceptions" about Pikeys.

Fucking unbelieveable.

You may have noticed I hate Gypo's, Travellers, Pikeys, whatever you want to call them - this is for good reason. Why should they live on sites provided for them at my and your expense when they can clearly afford to support themselves? Why are they able to get away with not paying a penny in tax (whilst demanding more from the state) when they are not temporary, and are clearly planning on inhabiting the site for as long as they can? Next time you drive past an "official" traveller site, take a look at the cars parked there. Gone are the days of the battered transit van towing a caravan - you're much more likely to spot brand new Mitsubishi L200 pickup trucks.

That's not to say these sites are tidy, or that now they can afford brand new trucks they treat the area they live in or anyone who lives there with any respect. They still ensure that the place looks like a fucking shit-tip, and this one near Bristol is a good example (notice all the rubbish strewn around the outer perimeter of the site).

Scum of the fucking earth. It's almost worth paying the Course fee (which you'll notice is aimed at public sector employees, so will be funded by the taxpayer) just to put questions to the Panel of Pikeys, like "Why is it you feel that sites should be provided for you at the taxpayer's expense, when you drive brand-new pick up trucks with a retail value I can only dream of?"

I'm back!

2010-06-16T13:01:00.001+01:00

Sorry for the disappearance, too much going on outside of blogging. Normal service (in fact, better service, since blogging has been sporadic of late anyway) to resume ASAP.

Official: Bristol City Council is racist

2010-06-03T15:20:00.003+01:00

Bristol City Council has banned white people from applying for an £18,000-a-year traineeship because it wants to boost staff diversity.

The two-year scheme at Bristol City Council is only open to candidates from black or ethnic minority backgrounds because the "normal recruitment process was not rectifying" under-representation.

The authority said the programme, which takes on two people a year, is lawful under race relations legislation because it is only a traineeship and does not guarantee a job at the end of it.

And who do you think would support schemes like this?

But Kerry McCarthy, a Labour MP in Bristol, said: "I would support schemes like this. It gives people an opportunity."

Why on earth do Bristol City Council give a fuck what colour the people they employ are? Shouldn't they just be happy they've got people who are good at the job? It's not up to them to "redress the balance" - or at least, I didn't think it was.

The mind fucking boggles.

And how the fuck do they think that banning white people from applying will increase the numbers of black people applying to the job? Either way, apparently in their eyes, discrimination is perfectly OK, so long as it's against white people.

The fucking hand-wringing racists.

Cutting public sector waste - but not in Bristol

2010-05-27T12:39:00.003+01:00

Take a look at this job advert in the Grauniad:

Place-Making Director for Bristol

c£72k + Benefits (2 year fixed term)

Bristol

Vacancy Ref: 22111

Place-Making for a city is about ensuring that it is perceived as somewhere that is attractive to live, work, study, invest and do business in, as well as to visit. As Bristol's Place-Making Director one of your key roles will be to develop productive relationships with stakeholders, developing a common sense of purpose based around a shared understanding of Bristol’s sense of place, in order to improve Bristol’s economic competitiveness.

You will be expected to originate creative ideas for developing, reinforcing and enhancing Bristol’s sense of place and to work in partnership with others to make this happen.

We're looking for someone to help us distinguish our city from all others, and create a sense of pride in Bristol. Someone with:

* Brand development and marketing experience, for complex products or places.
* A good awareness of trends in branding, economic and city development.
* A good understanding of local government, public sector and commercial business environments.
* Senior management experience.
* Ability to successfully drive a business agenda and manage multi-stakeholder relationships.
* A creative thinker with highly developed interpersonal and influencing skills.
* Sound interesting? Then we'd love to hear from you.

For further information visit: www.bristol.gov.uk/jobs

For an informal chat, phone Jon House on 0117 922 2420.

Deadline for applications is 2nd June 2010.

Interviews will be held on 7th June 2010.

Closing Date: 2nd June 2010.

ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR THOUSAND POUNDS to "enhance Bristol's sense of Place"?

What the fucking fuck?

Jandroid, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

Get this marketing-speak BULLSHIT the fuck out of our city!

Europe proposes bank levy

2010-05-26T14:30:00.003+01:00

Gush the Beeb.

A network of national funds should be introduced so the cost of bank failures are not met by the taxpayer, the EU internal market commissioner has said.

Michel Barnier said such funds would provide part of a broader system aimed at preventing future financial crises.

Banks would be required to pay a levy into the funds which would not be used to bail out failing banks, but manage failures in "an orderly way".

Mr Barnier said: "I believe in the 'polluter pays' principle."

"It is not acceptable that taxpayers should continue to bear the heavy cost of rescuing the banking sector. They should not be in the front line," he said.

And of course, those lovely, warm, cuddly, philanthropic banks won't just pass the cost of the levy to their customers - otherwise known as the fucking tax payer - will they? Surely not!

"Cash strapped" Catholic church asks it's members (and the UK taxpayer) to dig deep

2010-05-23T11:02:00.005+01:00

Wait, did I say "cash-strapped"? What I actually meant to say was "Obscenely fucking rich".

Nevertheless, they've got the fucking front to demand that all their rather misguided followers help fund the Pope's visit to the UK.

Roman Catholic churchgoers are being urged to help meet a shortfall of more than £3m pounds in funding for Pope Benedict's visit to the UK.

The Church has asked them to put at least £1m in Sunday's collection - largely to pay for three big open air masses at which the Pope will preside.

But it gets worse...

Because this is a state visit by Pope Benedict XVI, the bulk of the cost is being borne by the UK government.

WRONG. The bulk of the cost is being borne by the UK taxpayer, so fuck you, BBC, and your disingenuous reporting. And you might want to think about rewriting the headline.

But mainly, Fuck you, Catholic Church, you Paedophilia-supporting, increasingly irrelevant, homophobic fairy-believing cunts. Kindly explain to me why I and other people who simply don't share your rather outdated faith should fund a visit of someone - who, to me, is just a random old ex-Nazi in a dress - to the country, to the tune of £8 million pounds? Go fuck yourselves (rather than the choirboys).

What is that thing Theresa May insists on wearing?

2010-05-19T08:17:00.002+01:00

It's like an odd sort of helmet-less spacesuit. I know it's not only me that thinks it because people make reference to it in Guido's PMQs chat

But what the fuck is it?

Typical Scaremongering from the BBC

2010-05-18T11:06:00.004+01:00

With cars this time, so I feel qualified to point out their false cause for concern.

The computer systems used to control modern cars are very vulnerable to attack, say experts.

An investigation by security researchers found the systems to be "fragile" and easily subverted.

The researchers showed how to kill a car engine remotely, turn off the brakes so the car would not stop and make instruments give false readings.

Except that's not quite true, is it, BBC?

The team got at the ECUs via the communications ports fitted as standard on most cars that enable mechanics to gather data about a vehicle before they begin servicing or repair work.

So, they connected a laptop to the OBD-II port and sent CANBUS packets to do things, then. People have been doing this for ages to build in remote-control features to in-car PCs. You need physical access to this port, so it can't be done remotely. Even if you were to build a wireless OBD-II interface to do it remotely, you'd still need access to this port to fit the transciever.

But yet the BBC have portrayed this story as though we should all be scared to go out driving in case our brakes are disabled by people standing on street corners with laptops.

Thanks BBC.

Theebeesee.*

* Little Peter Serafinowicz joke for you there.

Labour website traffic no worse on "crash day" than most others

2010-05-15T13:13:00.007+01:00

So, it looks like it was just a dying bit of spin from Alistair Campbell.

Alexa's traffic info on labour.org.uk showed that the traffic to the website on the 11th May (the day Campbell claimed the site crashed due to "all the people trying to join" was not really any higher than it usually is, and in fact was nothing like the spike the site saw just before the election.

The "too busy to join" message was nothing to do with traffic to the site, which was not much higher than any other busy day.

Fucking pathetic.

Did the Labour Party website really crash under load of membership applications?

2010-05-12T10:54:00.002+01:00

The story seems to have done the rounds this morning, but I don't believe it. Sounds a bit like a last-ditch Alistair Campbell spin attempt to me.

We need to wait a day or so until Alexa have info for the actual traffic hitting the server as opposed to Labour just putting the load message up on their server and periodically stopping the web service throughout the evening.

Unless there's a big spike on this graph tomorrow, I'm calling bullshit.

I'm quite happy to be proved wrong of course, but I smell the all-too-recognisable stench of Labour spin here.

Rejoice!!!!

2010-05-10T17:39:00.001+01:00

Make sure the door doesn't smack you on your useless sagging arse, you woefully inept gurning moron. I suppose an apology for the wanton destruction of our economy is too much to ask for. You'll have the blood of inevitable Tory cuts on your hands, I'm afraid.

Perhaps the least deserving

2010-05-05T17:01:00.002+01:00

I stumbled across this rather odd website today.

They're asking for opinions on:

The Cabot, Clifton and Clifton East Neighbourhood Partnership would like to hear your views on how to spend £15,000 of the "well-being" fund in this neighbourhood area. We would especially like to hear from you if you are a young person (younger than the average voter at least!)

What on earth do Cabot, Clifton and Clifton East need £15,000 for? They're some of the most affluent areas in the city.

This site is being set up by the Bristol Partnership (whoever the fuck they are), and apparently:

The pilot has been set up by the Bristol Partnership as part of taking forward the 20:20 plan. The 10 year strategy aims to put Bristol into the top 20 cities in Europe by 2020. You can find out more about the Partnership on our website at www.bristolpartnership.org

The Partnership is committed to increasing the opportunities for people who live in, work in or visit Bristol to get involved in how the city is run. We especially want young people to be more involved, as well as other groups who are less able to attend meetings in person.

This "dialogue" is a pilot project that has been set up on behalf of the Cabot, Clifton & Clifton East (CCC) Neighbourhood Partnership to see whether people are interested in submitting ideas, and voting for these ideas on how to spend some of the money that the NP has available. It builds on the ideas of participatory budgeting that has been run successfully elsewhere in the UK, but instead of gathering everyone in a school hall on a Saturday morning - we have decided to try using the web.

You know what to do.

The truth on immigration

2010-05-04T13:01:00.003+01:00

From somebody who knows what the fuck they're talking about.

I think you're standing for the wrong party, mate

2010-05-04T12:34:00.001+01:00

A Labour candidate has launched a personal attack on Gordon Brown, saying he is "the worst prime minister we have had in this country".

Manish Sood, who is standing in North West Norfolk, added that Mr Brown was a "disgrace".

Mr Sood called Labour ministers "corrupt" and said the party had allowed immigration to get too high.

He's quite correct of course. But then, why is he standing for Labour?

Steve Jobs - iFuckingHypocrite

2010-04-29T19:21:00.004+01:00

I'm not a fan of Apple products. I think they're incredibly overpriced, often lack crucial features, which are often deliberately held back to force users to upgrade to newer versions of the device. "Form over function" seems to be the strategy, and I think it's a fucking stupid one. I want a phone, or a computer, not a fucking overpriced fashion accessory. And I certainly don't want anything as fucking pointless as the iPad. It has to be said, I might "not be a fan" of Apple products but I fucking hate fans of their products. They have a smugness seldom seen anywhere else (which must come free with the product) and if you point out any flaws in the products (and yes, there are flaws) their indignant defence of the product and its flaws like no other owner of any other product reveals a hidden need to justify to themselves the Apple Tax they've shelled out on.

So you'll excuse my amazement when I read fucking shit like this:

Mr Jobs said Flash was made for an era of "PCs and mice" and performed poorly when translated to run on touchscreen smartphones and handheld devices.

He also criticised the technology for being only under the control of Adobe.

Oh, because Apple's management strategies and business tactics are just fucking philanthropic, aren't they?

The Apple boss added that it fell short on security and was "the number one reason Macs crash".

Hang on, I thought Macs didn't crash? I thought that was the reason their smug, sneering owners lamely tried to justify spending three times the cost of a comparable product on their Apple device?

Besides, my PCs run flash all the time, on both Windows and Ubuntu, and I can't remember the last time either of them crashed.

The letter provoked an avalanche of comments online, with many saying Apple's restrictions on what can be done with its software go far beyond those on Flash.

Exactly.

Fuck off Jobs.

And for goodness sake, eat a few good square meals, you're looking practically emaciated these days.

To paraphrase Caroline Aherne...

2010-04-27T08:42:00.002+01:00

Clive Sinclair marries a 33 year-old lap dancer.

"When asked what qualities attracted him to his future bride he replied: 'Well she is a former Miss England, isn't she.'"

What they should have asked her is "So, what first attracted you to the balding, seemingly grumpy, but definitely old millionaire Sir Clive Sinclair then?"

Blinky's hypocrisy

2010-04-26T08:16:00.005+01:00

So, Blinky Balls has been fined for using a mobile whilst driving.

Mr Balls, married to fellow minister Yvette Cooper, told the Daily Mirror the incident happened last Sunday as they drove from Yorkshire to London.

He took the phone off its hands-free cradle because he did not want to wake his children, he said - and was spotted by police "almost immediately".

I guess it's one of the better excuses to come up with, but maybe the police will be able to confirm whether the kids were even in the car or not.

However, this bit's just classic:

He said he supported the law "100%" as it was protecting people's safety.

100%? Are you sure it's 100%, Ed? Maybe not, oh, I dunno, 75%? Only that surely if you fully supported this law, you'd fucking follow it?

Or maybe, just maybe you're just like every other fucking dispicable politician who introduces laws, publicly supports them, but privately believes they don't apply to him.

You fucking hypocritcal cunt.

"Look, you've punished us enough about Iraq"

2010-04-24T10:02:00.002+01:00

Crows Millitwat:

Meanwhile, Foreign Secretary David Miliband has accused Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg of peddling a form of "anti-politics".

He told the Guardian that Mr Clegg's core argument "that we have had 65 years of failure in this country" is a myth and claimed a Labour vote was the "only way to keep progressive politics governing this country".

In the interview he also said: "Look, you've punished us enough about Iraq."

Um, excuse me, you arrogant, pious, self-satisfied cunt, I rather think we haven't.

The fucking gall of the man.

I fucking hate you Milliband, I hate your arrogance, and I hate your stupid smug fucking face.

Cameron's vision for Britain

2010-04-23T09:33:00.001+01:00

Now we just need someone to do one for Brown.

Harriet Harman in "pot calling kettle black" shocker

2010-04-22T13:46:00.002+01:00

Harriet Harman says David Cameron is spoiled and arrogant

So let me get this straight, someone from the New Labour cabinet is accusing the Tories of being arrogant?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Did Willie Walsh put a gun to the government's head?

2010-04-21T13:30:00.004+01:00

Certainly looks like it to me.

Old Holborn first smelt a rat at 7pm yesterday, spotting that planes were flying in UK airspace.

People I've spoken to who watched this site last night noticed lots of BA flights heading for the UK and circling round it multiple times.

Now Sky News have latched onto the idea that maybe Willie Walsh held a gun to the UK Government's head:

Willie Walsh has attacked the airport jet ban - as suspicions grow that the British Airways boss' decision to send 26 UK-bound planes into the sky forced the Government's hand.

It must have been a difficult choice for Gordon - on the one hand, he probably wanted airspace to close until a few people had been shown gratefully climbing off a Navy ship only to be greeted by his dribbling face; but at the other hand, he likely had an angry Irish man on the phone said "Right then Gordon, I've got hundreds of UK citizens in the air waiting to land, are you going to let them?".

Now it seems the CAA might be sort of admitting that the closure of the airspace might have been knee-jerk. Gosh, really?

Another example of why Islam is such a backwards medieval religion

2010-04-20T21:52:00.002+01:00

Faced with any kind of criticism of Islam, it seems its supporters are always so quick to point out how much Islam has given the world in terms of science, maths, etc - all of this loses credibility somewhat when you get utter fucking nutjobs like this fucking tool:

Promiscuous women are responsible for earthquakes, a senior Iranian cleric has said.

Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi told worshippers in Tehran last Friday that they had to stick to strict codes of modesty to protect themselves.

.

Listen matey, you're giving the entire religion a bad name with your intolerant fucking ignorance. I know you probably live in a tent in the desert, and all, but have you even heard of geological faults? You might be ever so happy to declare that

"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he said.

but don't you have the slightest clue that the rest of the world is laughing at you, you fucking cretin?

And who is this Sedighi who claims to know better than science how earthquakes happen?

I rest my case.

Go back to raping goats, you fucking basket-case.

Standard New Labour Election Campaign tactics

2010-04-20T10:33:00.002+01:00

Class War.

I'm not sure why the BBC are reporting this as news, it's been New Labour's standard election tactic for as long as I can remember: "Don't vote for the Tories, they're all posh and want to legalise fox hunting." (say the Champagne Socialist cunts as they much taxpayer-funded caviar and quaff champers).

A quick glance over Kerry's blog proves my case perfectly.

Get ready to cringe....

2010-04-16T14:58:00.000+01:00

at 0:06

Ooh, ducky!

Get ready for more greenwash...

2010-04-14T11:17:00.005+01:00

As old favourite Roger Harrabin reports:

The second of three reviews into hacked climate e-mails from the University of East Anglia (UEA) is set to be released later.

It has examined scientific papers published over 20 years by the Climatic Research Unit (CRU) at the heart of the e-mail controversy.

In fairness, the BBC has reported the issues people have with Lord Oxburgh's interests. But still, notice how Harrabin reports how the mails were "hacked" - were they? I thought that hadn't been confirmed yet...

However, if the panel follows the recent House of Commons Science and Technology Committee report into the e-mails it will conclude that the scientists involved had no intention to deceive.

Odds that they'll follow the Committee report?

Odds that once this review is over, we'll be told again "the science is now decided"?

Fuck sake.

Update: Well, what a fucking surprise.

More of this, please.

2010-04-09T09:12:00.001+01:00

Those Greedy Morlocks Again

2010-04-08T12:44:00.006+01:00

The Welsh are stepping up their election campaign, with Plaid Cymru claiming:

that under the Barnett formula which allocates Treasury funding to the nations of the UK, Wales is being "short-changed to the tune of £300m a year".

Un-fucking-believeable. They already get public spending far higher per person than England, but yet they want MORE?

Let us not forget, that in 2006-07, tax revenues of £19.6bn were raised in Wales, but yet Government expenditure in Wales was £28.2bn - leaving a shortfall of £9.1bn. [Source]

And you're claiming you're being short changed? Fuck me, how much money do you think you deserve? You're already being overpaid to the tune of over NINE BILLION POUNDS and yet you're trying to blackmail the party that wins the election with threats of withholding your worthless vote unless you get MORE?

Here's a suggestion, you pasty-faced phlegm-gargling cunts, how about you fucking EARN more money by getting more of your lazy, "can't work cosov my bad back, see", benefit-scrounging population to do some fucking work, and pay some fucking tax? I bet you're just itching for a hung parliament, aren't you, you fucking grasping cunts. I can't wait to see what kind of levels of undeserved funding you try and fucking stipulate in any deal with the main parties.

Plenty of Welsh people want full devolution - well, after reading this kind of shit, I'm all for devolution, frankly. Let's go for it. You can have your own parliament, you can raise your own taxes and spend it on your own country.

But don't forget you currently have a £9 billion hole you'd have to fill, which I can only presume is currently being filled by those of us over the border who can actually be bothered to work and pay taxes. You might struggle to raise that if all funding ties were cut, as I would hope they would be if full devolution was implemented.

So, devolution then. What's that? You've gone all quiet....

MP's on NEETs

2010-04-08T09:20:00.002+01:00

NB: a NEET is a young person who is Not in Education, Employment, or Training - essentially a chav sat on their fat arse all day watching Jeremy Kyle, only ever venturing out the house to collect their "benfids".

And fuck me if the MPs aren't talking sense on this one:

Young people in England should not receive state benefits unless they are working, training or in education, a committee of MPs says.

MPs are suggesting adopting a system used in Holland to reduce the number of 16 to 25-year-olds not in education, employment or training - "Neets".

They said the Dutch equivalent of jobseeker's allowance was dependent on being in work, education or training.

The Dutch may spend a large amount of time smoking weed, wearing clogs, cycling, and looking at tulips, but they do seem to do things better.

And the report's wording is quite amusing:

The report said: "It is crucial that young people, particularly those who are most disadvantaged, should not be deterred by the benefits system from accessing opportunities in education and training.

What they actually mean is, that it's all too easy to just sit at home doing fuck all and being paid for it, and so they shouldn't be tempted by the benefits system to do that.

The MPs also raised concerns about the term Neets, saying it was a negative term that risked "stigmatising the young people to whom it is applied".

They stigmatise themselves, by expecting the taxpayer to fund their existence with no contribution from themselves. And I'm sure they'd prefer the term "NEET" to "Fucking lazy chav", which would be my choice.

Couple demand compensation for their fucking stupidity

2010-04-08T08:23:00.004+01:00

crow the Beeb.

A newly-married couple from North Somerset said their dream honeymoon was ruined after a travel agency sent them to the wrong airport in Egypt.

Kate and Marc Bartlett booked for Sharm el-Sheikh, but realised on the plane they were heading to Hurghada - more than 550 miles from their hotel.

And at no time before this point, having thinking they'd booked for Sharm el-Sheikh, did they query why the tickets they'd recieved presumably had Hurghada on it?

No, apparently not, because

"We thought it's Egypt and that's the name of the airport."

Yeah, of course that's an easy mistake to make, after all, it's in the same country, so it can't be that far away, because

"We travel a lot to Portugal and just fly into Faro and then travel to Lagos [about an hour's drive]."

Never mind that Egypt is ten times the size of Portugal.

OK, so the travel company booked them to the wrong destination. But mistakes happen, and had they phoned them up as soon as they knew the mistake had been made, it could have been rectified at the company's expense, and you never know, they might have thrown in a little extra to say sorry. But no, apparently the fact the incorrect destination was in the same country meant that it was fine and dandy, because they'll just drive to the original destination, "just like portugal".

If nothing else, I'd be checking the destination purely because of Ryanair's favourite trick of flying you nowhere near the actual destination.

A couple sit on their DFS leather Sofa (still not paid off after 7 years)
and whinge about their own fucking stupidity.

I've been quiet

2010-04-08T08:22:00.002+01:00

Sorry. Normal service will resume ASAP.

I demand fair funding too

2010-03-31T14:25:00.005+01:00

Welsh and Scottish nationalist parties say they will demand "fair funding" before negotiating with Labour or the Conservatives in a hung Parliament.

I demand it too. The Barnett Formula results in the Morlocks and the Porridge-Wogs getting more money per person than we get.

* England £7,121
* Scotland £8,623
* Wales £8,139
* Northern Ireland £9,385

(figures from Public Expenditure Statistical Analyses (PESA) 2007, chapter 9, table 9.2)

So "fairer funding" would presumably work out (in the above example) as the same amount per person in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, would it not, Mr. Salmond? Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Jones?

Oh, it wouldn't? But pray tell, why not? What would be fairer?

You fucking grasping cunts.

Update: Forest Pines pointed out that I was a complete mong with the figures in the first post. Thanks, I have now updated it to show what I meant.

Not to worry, we saw it coming

2010-03-31T13:48:00.002+01:00

The London Olympics project is facing a "worryingly tight" financial position, a Commons committee has warned. The public accounts committee said building for the 2012 Games was on track, but unforeseen problems were putting pressure on contingency funds.

Oh, right. I've just double-checked, and this is definitely on BBC News, a site dedicated to bringing us, well, news - but yet I'm not at all surprised by this. As much as I'd like to be even slightly patriotic and supportive, we do have a history of royally fucking this kind of thing up. When I watched China's opening ceremony, part of me was fairly impressed (albeit with niggling feelings about the CGI fireworks and the fact that they'd probably all been beaten into performing it well) but I also had feelings of dread that whilst it would be hard for any country to follow that, we're perhaps the worst ones to do it.

Is it just me that feels that despite Seb Coe's earnest pleadings, our ceremony will be fucking shit, and we'll be billions more over budget than we are now? I can't help but feel the rest of the world is excited to see just how shit our ceremony is, and how we can't add up:

The £9.325bn budget for the Olympics is triple the original estimate for the project.

The PAC report concludes: "Staying within the budget also depends on receiving some £600m receipts from the Olympic Village development.

"So the position is tight, with no room for complacency and limited flexibility to respond to new problems as the Games approach."

Also not a surprise. And what the fuck are

unforeseen problems

?

Maybe you'd like to tell us what the fuck problems you've come across that are unforseen? The building is behind schedule? Maybe over budget? They're fucking builders, for fuck sake, what did you expect? I dread to think the amount of air that was sucked through teeth when this project was first proposed, and now you're fucking standing there staring at your feet and admitting you've spent nearly all the money on contractors and advisors who have probably sat on their arse knowing they in turn can blame "unforeseen problems" at the last minute and demand you pay them more money?

I'm fucking dreading this.

And whilst we're on the subject of famers

2010-03-29T12:08:00.003+01:00

Those poor, hard-up farmers. Remember how much they bleated about how much they'd suffer during foot-and-mouth, and BSE?

Take a look at this when you get a chance, then realise that they're yearly figures, and that's only for the UK.

The mind boggles.

The hypocritical French

2010-03-29T12:03:00.002+01:00

Nestled in a story on the BBC about a Eurosceptic French town:

But many people here harbour increasing anti-European feelings as unemployment rises and farm subsidies fall.

"They feel cheated by the euro and they think prices went up when it came in, even if that's not really true," Ms Auteau says.

"And with the expansion of the EU to the east, we feel we're being over-taxed, that we're feeding the others."

Ahem, mes amis:

Bristol's anti-car bias waning

2010-03-26T09:43:00.002Z

Thank fuck for that.

The first stage of a controversial residents' parking scheme in Bristol will not go ahead.

A meeting of the city council's cabinet voted against the plan for Cliftonwood which would have seen residents pay to park outside their homes.

As they should have done, given the responses to the CONsultation. However, it's not all rosy:

A similar scheme in Kingsdown was deferred to allow more consultation.

Read as: A similar scheme in Kingsdown was deferred to allow the question to be asked again and again in a variety of different ways until the Council get the answer they want.

Local councils "tolerate" illegally-camped pikies

2010-03-23T11:40:00.004Z

As you may know, I fucking hate pikies. So it annoys me even more when I notice shit like this:

Councils will receive new powers to speed up enforcement action against the scores of traveller caravans on illegal sites in the Bristol region.

Communities Secretary John Denham said the shake-up in planning rules, which will take effect next month, would slash the time that must elapse before councils can take action against unauthorised camps.

And how long is that period currently?

Under the current rules, anyone denied retrospective consent for a development that was built without permission has six months to appeal against the refusal. From April 6, this will be reduced to 28 days.

Six months? Six fucking months? No wonder pikies are able to dump their shit somewhere they have no right to, burgle local houses, and fuck up local drive tarmaccing without any fear of being turfed out. Where did these fucking "pikey rights" come from anyway?

Figures published by Mr Denham's Department for Communities and Local Government show that on the last official count South Gloucestershire reported 51 illegally parked caravans on private land, more than double the amount recorded in 2007, and three on traveller-owned land.

A further 206 were logged on the council's records, although they either have planning permission or are "tolerated" by the local authority.

Tolerated? Fucking tolerated? Why the fucking hell are they "tolerating" these scrounging, theiving, filthy feral scum, who contribute FUCK ALL to society, but demand everything they can? Fucking turf them out. I bet the local community doesn't "tolerate" them.

One for the Bristolians - RIP Chris Hutt

2010-03-23T08:22:00.003Z

We may not have seen eye to eye on many issues but nevertheless you stood up for what you believed in, and for that you must be commended.

Rest In Peace Chris.

Chris Hutt

Government announce another IT project failure

2010-03-22T15:04:00.003Z

Well, it's not actually failed yet, but I can tell you it fucking will.

Everyone in the country is to be given a personalised webpage for accessing Government services within a year as part of a plan to save billions of pounds by putting all public services online, Gordon Brown is to announce.

Because, of course, the government's track record on large-scale IT projects is just fucking tickety-boo, isn't it? And it's pretty inevitable that the "within a year" will be quietly dropped in a month or two. After all, the contract will be awarded to the ~~company best for the job~~ company with the largest Labour party donations, and then it will be way over-budget and over-time (see NHS Computer System).

The Prime Minister has previously hailed the potential for the internet to slash the costs of delivering services by reducing paper forms, face-to-face contact with officials, postage, phone calls and building costs.

So he'd been told about this thing called "the internet" but didn't really know what it was, or how it worked.

He is now set to use a speech on Monday to unveil plans to give every voter a unique identifier allowing them to apply for school places, book GP appointments, claim benefits, get a new passport, pay council tax or register a car.

Here it is - the smoking gun. You are now just going to be a number. And of course the database holding all this deeply personal information will be nice and secure will it?

And what's the betting that once everything like this is done through a central point, we'll then require a card to do it? Maybe...an ID card?

Leave us the fuck alone.

Alarmist Climate Change Adverts Banned

2010-03-17T13:33:00.003Z

Fantastic news.

Two government press adverts which used nursery rhymes to raise awareness of climate change have been banned by the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA).

It said the advertisements went beyond mainstream scientific consensus in asserting that climate change would cause flooding and drought.

The ASA finally does its job.

The ASA ruled that the banned adverts, created on behalf of the Department of Energy and Climate Change (DECC) to promote its carbon reduction initiative, made exaggerated claims about the threat posed to the UK by global warming.

Are you listening, environmentocunts?

And Ed Milliband still proves he's an utter cock:

"What is the job of the government? It is to lead. Sitting in the position I do, meeting the scientists I do, who tell me about their great fears about climate change and the impact it will have on peoples' way of life and the very high likelihoods we will see the events we were talking about in those ads.

He thinks the job of the government is to "lead" (read: "control") people.

"Frankly it would be grossly irresponsible of me not to draw peoples' attention to that and not to explain how people can make a difference themselves."

And presumably, when they tell you to fuck off and stop interfering in their lives, force them to make a difference.

Fuck you, Milliband, you power-crazy pious cuntwaft.

Baroness Uddin: Grasping cunt, still won't be charged

2010-03-12T13:41:00.003Z

Staggering. Just fucking staggering.

Labour peer Baroness Uddin will not face charges over her expenses, the Crown Prosecution Service has said.

She had been accused of designating a rarely-used flat in Kent as her main home so she could claim allowances for peers living outside London.

She was one of the most obvious troughers, and yet the most arrogant with the strongest ideas of entitlement.

Police had obtained evidence from neighbours of Baroness Uddin and from water, gas and electric companies supplying the flat in Maidstone.

So pretty conclusive then? Especially the utility company's information?

Apparently not...

But Director of Public Prosecutions Mr Starmer said the definition of a peer's "main home" in the Lords expenses scheme would always have been "critical to any possible criminal proceedings against Baroness Uddin".

But he said "only or main residence" had not been defined and last November the Clerk of Parliaments Michael Pownall said that ultimately "it is up to members to designate an address as their main residence as they see fit".

He had set a threshold that peers must visit their "main home" at least once a month.

Absolutely unbeliveable. There are no words.

Except....

FUCK YOU, UDDIN, YOU GRASPING CUNT. GIVE US OUR FUCKING MONEY BACK.

Update: CF points out that no less than three of the people on the Spitalsfield Housing Association (who provide this dirt-cheap accommodation to the needy) Board of Management also have the surname Uddin. Quelle surprise.

Official: Even the Morlocks think S4C is shit

2010-03-11T08:40:00.006Z

Reports Reg:

Almost 200 Welsh language programmes broadcast by S4C last month attracted precisely zero viewers, leaked audience figures show.

Does this really come as any surprise to anyone?

The figures suggest an incoming Tory government will have the Welsh language channel right next to the BBC on its media working-over list.

Good.

And here's another reason in support of devolution, frankly:

The channel gets around £100m of government funding to service the ~~UK's~~ Wales' Welsh-speaking community, and apparently a number of English speakers who have maladjusted TV aerials.

£100m of central government funding? Fuck me. If unemployment stats are anything to go by, it seems like most of Wales is "on the sick" anyway, so I'd wager a hefty chunk of this is paid for by taxpayers who don't even speak Welsh.

Now, you could argue the same applies to my tax paying for schools when I don't have kids, but I recognise schools as being an essential part of society and a benefit to a society as a whole. Same with hospitals, even if I don't use them. But crappy soaps that require English subtitles because only 20% of the country speak the fucking pointless ridiculous phlegm-gargling language they're recorded in, are not a benefit to society.

Don't even get me started on BBC fucking Alba.

MET Office admits its long-term forecasts are shit

2010-03-05T13:36:00.003Z

Here.

The Met Office is to stop publishing seasonal forecasts, after it came in for criticism for failing to predict extreme weather.

It was berated for not foreseeing that the UK would suffer this cold winter or the last three wet summers in its seasonal forecasts.

Finally, they're admitting it.

Explaining its decision, the Met Office released a statement which said: "By their nature, forecasts become less accurate the further out we look.

"Although we can identify general patterns of weather, the science does not exist to allow an exact forecast beyond five days, or to absolutely promise a certain type of weather.

But yet "the science is decided" when it comes to them telling us what the weather will be like in decades to come, or being condfident that we all need to feel guilty just for fucking existing, because we're killing the planet. Right.

Euro Car Parks At It Again

2010-03-04T16:43:00.003Z

This time with Sainsbury's, but making sure you're a Blue Badge holder, or have kids with you, to park in the Disabled/Parent & Child spaces.

However, with no obvious CCTV cameras over the Disabled/Parent & Child spaces I fail to see how they'll police this. Also the smallprint on the sign states that this is in operation 24 hours a day - now, whilst I don't park in Disabled/Parent & Child spaces as a rule, I'm sorry - at 9:30pm, when frankly children under 12 should be in bed, they're fucking fair game as far as I'm concerned.

They state that 50% of all monies returned to Sainsbury's will be donated to Mencap, after Euro Car Parks have taken their cut I'd wager this is about £2.50.

Still, all of this is completely irrelevant as these "Parking Charge Notices" (note the clever use of words there) are completely unenforceable. Warnings of bailiffs are equally bollocks, as they'll need a CCJ granted in their favour before they can even contemplate sending bailiffs, which will never happen. You have not broken any laws and they cannot legally request the money.

Bristol City Council pick the wrong traffic lights to turn off

2010-03-03T13:38:00.023Z

UPDATE: The Google Streetview applets were making this page far too slow to load, so I have converted them to images. You can still click the "View Larger Map" links below the images for the full Streetview page.

The Evening Post seems to be pretty excited that BCC are going to be turning a couple of traffic light sets off.

A trial switch-off of traffic lights in Bristol city centre is to start on Monday.

Lights at the junctions of Broad Quay, Prince Street and Marsh Street near Harbourside and where Union Street meets Nelson Street in Broadmead are involved.

I wonder why these particular lights have been picked? First, let's take a look at the Union Street/Nelson Street junction:

View Larger Map

Plenty of pedestrians waiting to cross, and in my experience that's a quiet example. At lunchtime and the beginning and end of the day (and all day Saturday) it's hugely busy. Getting rid of the traffic lights here would result in chaos as pedestrians just try and cross in front of cars as they get tired of waiting. You'll also notice a bus coming from the left, only buses and cyclists are allowed to go down that road, so there's not a huge amount of traffic coming from the left. Nothing to be gained from removing these lights, and everything to be lost (for both pedestrians AND motorists).

Let's look at the other set, Prince Street/Broad Quay/Marsh Street:

View Larger Map

In my experience, this is as busy as it ever gets, so in theory you wouldn't lose anything by switching the lights off here, but more importantly, you wouldn't really gain anything either.

So why have Bristol City Council picked these two particular sets of lights? Is it because they're the ones that would have the most minimal impact possible, so they can then declare the trial a complete waste of time and not proceed any further with it?

If they're after meaningful lights to either switch off, or more importantly correct the timings on, I'm only too happy to oblige:

1) THESE FUCKING LIGHTS on Redcliffe Way.

View Larger Map

It switches between allowing the bus lane through and allowing the traffic through, but it works on a timer and not sensors, therefore you have the absurd situation as above where traffic is held on a red light, where the bus lane is on a green so some non-existent buses can drive through. It switches between the bus lane and the normal traffic lane, even when there are no buses - it's fucking infuriating. Just get rid of them completely, they're not necessary. The bus can merge with normal traffic before the next set of lights.

2) Temple Circus Gyratory

View Larger Map

Well, what a complete clusterfuck of a traffic management FUCK UP this roundabout is. If you want a lesson on just how badly it's possible for traffic engineers to fuck things up, look no further than here.

The above Google Streetview shot is a perfect case in point. The traffic lights on the roundabout are green showing traffic should proceed, but they fucking can't, because the pedestrian crossing lights are on red, stopping any traffic leaving the roundabout. It's a schoolboy error, and it's never been corrected.

In fact, why the fucking hell is that pedestrian crossing even there in the first place, given that a few yards down the road there is another crossing outside of Temple Meads station?

3) This STUPID pedestrian crossing.

View Larger Map

Why the fuck is it here? There's a crossing just a bit further down the road outside Temple Meads. Also, this crossing is just before the Temple Circus Gyratory (to the left in the background of the picture) but is in no way linked to these, so you get the ridiculous situation that the lights for that Gyratory entry are green, but the no traffic is flowing through because this stupid fucking pointless pedestrian crossing is holding up all the traffic!

The fact that these ridiculous traffic light setups still exist, causing congestion around the Temple Meads area EVERY FUCKING DAY, and that Bristol City Council's traffic officers have done nothing to resolve it, is proof that the congestion is not only deliberate, but wanted by Council officers, so they can justify the introduction of a congestion charge.

The fucking cunts.

UPDATE: User submissions:

4) Lewin's Mead (same as number 1 above)

View Larger Map

Thanks to Paul for pointing this one out in the comments, it's the same problem as number 1) above, there is a bus lane/normal traffic split, but the lights are on a timer (again, not a sensor) that runs 24 hours a day, even though there's no buses running after about 11:30pm.

5) St Augestines Parade/Colston Avenue

Thanks again to Paul for reminding me of this abomination. For those who don't remember the traffic system before they changed it to this with the fountains, it generally just worked (and looked pretty good too). Now it looks good with the fountains and all, but god all fucking mighty, have they fucked this junction up. The photo taken by the Google Streeet View car doesn't give a very good impression of how bad it can get, luckily the satelite view can oblige:

View Larger Map

Take a look at the two white rectangles in the centre of the image, which are obviously buses. This is a light example of how bad it can get with buses waiting at the traffic lights in the top right-hand corner of the "X" stopping any traffic progressing towards the bottom left-hand corner. Because of this stupidly designed, over-engineered junction, the traffic queues all the way around St Augustine's parade, getting so far as to fuck up the junction with Quay Street.

All of this occurs because of the design of the fountains, meaning you couldn't just treat the area as a giant roundabout like it was (which worked very well). There would have been no need for this stupid X shaped road section in the middle, which fucks everything up. Without that, you could just have one massive roundabout with an exit at each corner, and peripheral exits for Colston Street, St Stephen's Street, etc. It's fucking mad and it proves that when this was designed and researched, they really didn't give a flying fuck about how it would affect traffic.

But Gordon, Targets are the problem!

2010-03-01T09:11:00.002Z

Gordon Brown is to tell police forces to put more officers on the beat in an effort to increase the public's confidence in law and order.

The prime minister will say it is not "acceptable" to miss the government target of having neighbourhood PCs on patrol for at least 80% of the time.

Don't you realise, you fucking dribbling mong, that it is because of all the targets and paperwork you foist onto the police that they don't have the time to be out on patrol more?

"So my challenge to local authorities and police authorities around the country is to match our commitment to protecting front line policing - or else explain to their communities why they are not prepared to do so."

You're playing a dangerous game, snotgobbler. They will be only too happy to point out the reasons they don't have the time to be on patrol for at least 80% of the time.

Extra £825,000 to "ease" congestion in Bristol

2010-02-26T11:11:00.002Z

Gushes the Beeb:

An extra £825,000 is to be ploughed into tackling congestion in the greater Bristol urban area.

The money was awarded by the Department for Transport after targets to ease congestion in the area were exceeded.

Hooray! Does that mean we might see improved traffic light synchronicity (which would benefit ALL road users), maybe removing a good few sets of lights? (ditto)

Of course not. Something that motorists might benefit from? Unthinkable!

The money will be spent on further encouraging people to walk and cycle to work or take up public transport instead.

Great. A poster campaign I shouldn't wonder. What a great way to spend the cash. Because of course, we all need to be "encouraged", so if we choose not to walk or cycle, there must be something wrong with us, right? I guess they feel that previous useless poster campaigns weren't "on message" enough.

Work will also be carried out to improve junctions to help traffic flow and shorten bus journey times.

I rather suspect this translates as "Work will also be carried out to help bus flow and shorten bus journey times".

The money goes to the West of England Partnership, which brings together councils in Bristol, South Gloucestershire, Bath and North East Somerset, and North Somerset.

This would be the same WoEP who are planning on turning one of Bristol's best cycling assets - the cycle path - into a bus lane?

The TRUTH on "Being Offended"

2010-02-24T13:23:00.000Z

They're Waking Up!

2010-02-23T08:57:00.004Z

A government proposal to charge people with fixed phone lines 50p per month to help fund ultra-fast broadband has been condemned as "unfair" by MPs.

Too fucking right it's unfair. Why should I pay a higher price on my broadband so some Morlock who has chosen to live in the middle of buttfuck-nowhere can enjoy faster internet access? It is not my problem and I fail to see why I and everyone else living in most areas that do have fast speeds should stump up the cash to solve it.

We're probably going to get this shit anyway though:

The government said the plan was the "best way to drive further investment".

It maintains that faster speeds are "vital to the UK's growth".

What the fuck kind of "growth" (economic or otherwise) do they think we're going to get from people who can't get fast internet access currently? Do they think some fishwife living in Abergavenny is going to rescue the economy if she has 2MB broadband?

But the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills said that the government wanted everyone to "access the huge social, economic and health benefits" that high speeds offer.

"Our analysis shows that without intervention, the market will only reach up to 70% of the country, so it's vital we act now to ensure no area is left behind," said a spokesman.

"The 50p duty we have proposed is modest, fair and affordable and is the best way to drive further investment in our networks."

Bis believes the tax will allow a £1 billion upgrade of the UK's digital networks and will be of particular benefit to rural areas.

...and of no benefit whatsoever to most people paying the tax who don't live in the middle of nowhere.

New Labour Socialism at it's finest - taxing the many to benefit the few.

The BBC always pick the best images

2010-02-20T15:58:00.003Z

...of Gordon Brown

They've clearly selected a photo of him mid-speech, because it makes him look like the gurning mong that he is. They used to do it with David Blunkett too:

You can see the toe-curlingly awful speech that Brown's shot came from here. Especially the bit when he says he knows that Labour has made mistakes (yeah, you don't fucking say) and that he knows he's not perfect, which is clearly something he's been told that he must say rather than something he wants to say or even feels that he should.

An interesting comparison

2010-02-19T12:42:00.003Z

Map of UK Benefit Claimants

Map of Labour Voters

So presumably we'll see some extra benefits offered to people in the run up to the election. Also known as "buying votes with my money".

Morlocks demand more money

2010-02-19T11:54:00.004Z

In a BBC Article that states that a hung parliament would be "best outcome for Wales", they quote

At the top of such a list would be a demand for Wales to get what Mr Jones calls "its fair share of funding... so that we can protect our schools and hospitals from the cuts in public spending".

So, Mr Jones, what would your idea of "fair share" be? Given that Wales has a higher percentage of benefit claimants than the UK (and consistently always has - source - with large numbers of people claiming incapacity benefit), 25% higher spending on health than England and that the Barnett formula means that you get far higher spending per person than England, I would agree it is unfair, but not in the same way that you would, I'm sure.

Yet another speech "leaked" to the press

2010-02-19T10:30:00.003Z

Gordon Brown is to question the Tories' credentials as a "modern, mainstream" party, saying the image they "present" is undermined by their policies.

He will tell a conference of centre-left European leaders that Conservative policies would endanger the recovery and hurt middle-class families.

Wasn't John Bercow supposed to stop all this shit?

The BBC has learned that, on Saturday, Mr Brown will outline the four main themes he hopes will help Labour to a fourth term in government.

I wonder how the BBC "learnt" that? Well, it's because Number 10 have sent them the fucking script.

Shirley Brown/Marshall Part IV

2010-02-16T13:19:00.003Z

City councillor Shirley Brown has appeared before Bristol magistrates after being charged for calling a fellow councillor a "coconut".

Crows the Evening Post.

The trial is likely to take place at Bristol Magistrates' Court before a district judge, unless there is an application by Mrs Brown's solicitor to have it moved to another city.

Somewhere in Florida, perhaps?

On ITV1 right now

2010-02-14T22:47:00.002Z

Piers Morgan is actually sucking Gordon Brown's cock.

Slurp, slurp....Mmmmm Gordon, do you like that? Oh, you're so great Gordon, mmmm, don't you love how I've got an Audience from Labour Party HQ to laugh at all your unfunny jokes, mmm, slurp slurp.

This is worse than Madeley's Blair Iraq War Support.

Someone in Labour has a lot of power over the TV at the moment.

Won't somebody think of the children?

2010-02-11T15:19:00.003Z

Won't somebody think of the children?!???!!

As if the various stories we've heard couldn't get any more ridiculous, the BBC has a treat in store for us:

A primary school in Weston-super-Mare has been criticised for banning Valentine cards to save pupils the "emotional trauma" of being rejected.

Children at Ashcombe Primary School were stopped from exchanging cards because the head teacher said they were not emotionally mature enough to cope.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Peter Turner told parents of the 430 pupils that cards would be confiscated.

Has he had a few "difficult" rejections in his life or something?

So now kids can't be rejected on valentines, they can't compete in competitive races or sports in case they lose, they can't compete in tests in case they fail - what kind of fucking mollycoddled retards are we raising these days?

How the fuck do they expect these kids to cope later in life? Life is shit and it's full of fucking disappointments and rejections. If you're wrapped in cotton wool even at an early age, it can't make these any easier to deal with.

You fucking nannying cunts.

Nice work if you can get it

2010-02-11T10:36:00.004Z

Lord Carswell, whose main residence is in Northern Ireland, attended the House of Lords for just one day, but yet claimed £12,878 in travel expenses, which included £2,346 car expenses, £1,327 on Rail/Ferry/Coach, and £9,206 on air travel. For one trip? Did he go via Sydney?

What a fucking joke.

H/T Old Holborn

Justice for Wilbur? Nope, justice for the snake. Good.

2010-02-10T09:38:00.002Z

You may remember a story I commented on last year about two arrogant cat owners who believed their feral creature had a god-given right to shit where it pleased, and the misplaced indigation they had when it was gobbled by a snake which was in another garden.

Well, it seems that this is one of the few occasions where the government has got it right.

"Once grown the threat is almost entirely confined to the owner's home, as large snakes rapidly become torpid outdoors in the UK climate," he added.

"On balance, the listing of constricting snakes on the Schedule to the DWAA was therefore considered unlikely to achieve the aims of the Act and so they were not added to the Schedule.

"The Government has no plans to add them to the Schedule in the near future."

Good. Maybe now the arrogant owners can realise that they were in the wrong. The "rant" posted on the Justice for Wilbur site is just ridiculous:

So, by leaving his snake unattended and allowing it to kill Wilbur, my neighbour has done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. Maybe so, but not in the eyes of everyone else that knows about this, who, as one, are horrified.

Nope. I'm not. I know most people that commented on local news sites about this weren't horrified. Maybe horrified at your arrogance, that you let a cat roam wherever it pleased, but then got angry when something happened to it.

As if losing Wilbur in these circumstances wasn’t bad enough, what has made all this even harder to bear is the knowledge - gathered from the RSPCA and the Police - that legally no crime has been committed, so that in effect, nothing can be done, no-one is responsible, no-one can be held to account, and so he's died in vain.

No - you are responsible, and you can be held to account. You let the cat roam wherever it wanted!

The modicum of justice we have achieved is for the snakes owner to be issued with a ‘verbal warning’ from the RSPCA (who’s hands were tied), so that if anything like this happens again, he will be prosecuted.

Why? It was in the confines of the owner's garden.

Well sorry, NO, that’s not good enough, not by a long chalk.....

No it's not good enough. For a start, YOU should have accepted some fucking responsibility for this.

I was warned not to do a leaflet drop naming the snakes owner or his address to people who live in the vicinity or indeed to warn them of any potential threat to themselves, their children or pets; as we might be sued!

Cat-owner vigilantism? The mind boggles.

The ‘what if a child is next.....’ scenario cuts no ice.

Because it's bollocks.

I tell you, the World’s gone bloody mad.

Because everyone thinks differently to you, they're the mad ones? I expect the deranged bag lady pushing a Tesco trolley full of rubbish around Broadmead thinks that the world is mad.

Evening Post fighting Kerry McCarthy's election campaign

2010-02-09T16:20:00.000Z

With this article, which unless I'm very much mistaken has the acrid stench of a Labour election campaign about it.

Total ban on smoking around the corner?

2010-02-09T12:49:00.001Z

Possibly, if this Al JaBeeba report is anything to go by...

SouthwestOne Update

2010-02-09T10:34:00.004Z

Turns out, unsurprisingly, the Police don't like it.

Frustrated officers have told the Evening Post they are wasting hours every day battling with the IBM system, implemented in November, when they should be out catching criminals.

It was introduced as part of the Southwest One, which has seen information technology, finance and much of the administration of the police force, Somerset County and Taunton Deane Borough council streamlined and centralised in Taunton.

Bet nobody saw this coming! Although Chief Constable Colin Port was quick to jump to its defence:

Chief Constable Colin Port said: "Of course I'm concerned that our workforce are not doing what I want them to do, and that's being out on the streets protecting the public. Yes, this is a new system. Yes, there have been problems. But we're sorting those problems.

Is he working for the police or for IBM, for fuck's sake? This sounds like a press release from SAP's sales team. But as a commenter on the story points out, it's perhaps more to do with the fact his wife was one of the main implementers of the project.

People starting to think rationally for themselves

2010-02-05T17:26:00.004Z

It took long enough.

The findings, based on interviews carried out on 3-4 February, show that only 26% of people think "climate change is happening and is now established as largely man-made".

In November 2009, a similar poll by Populus - commissioned by the Times newspaper - showed that 41% agreed that climate change was happening and it was largely the result of human activities.

In the latest poll, 38% feel that "climate change is happening, but not yet proven to be largely man-made", while 8% support the statement: "climate change is happening, but it is environmentalist propaganda that it is man-made."

Clearly the most reasonable viewpoint, and the one I share. It isn't yet proven to be largely man-made. I'm not sure where those who purport this to be the case get this from, other than Ed Milliband. People are finally realising it's far more rational and scientific to question what we're told. It took long enough.

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs' (Defra) chief scientific adviser, Professor Bob Watson, called the findings "very disappointing".

Well they would be for you, wouldn't they. Doubtless DEFRA had all sorts of money-making schemes cooked up based on the fact that people will pay limitless amounts of money in taxes to "avoid climate change". If people start to question your propoganda a bit, they're less likely to want to hand over their cash so easily for something that may not stop it anyway, and we couldn't have that, could we?

"The fact that there has been a very significant drop in the number of people that believe that we humans are changing the Earth's climate is serious," he told BBC News.

"Action is urgently needed," Professor Watson warned.

Yeah, I'm sure it is. How about we start with you shutting the fuck up?

"We need the public to understand that climate change is serious so they will change their habits and help us move towards a low carbon economy."

This can be translated as: "We will be releasing more "Act On CO2" propoganda shortly to justify outrageous taxes on people who can't or won't change their habits"

Of the 75% of respondents who agreed that climate change was happening, one-in-three people felt that the potential consequences of living in a warming world had been exaggerated, up from one-in-five people in November.

Nooooo. Really? Could that be because the consequences (drowning polar bears etc) have been exaggerated? Not to mention ridiculous advice such as unplugging mobile phone chargers, which are now pretty much all switched-mode power supplies that don't take any power when they're not charging a phone.

However, 73% of the people who said that they were aware of the "science flaws" stories stated that the media coverage had not changed their views about the risks of climate change.

"People tend to make judgements over time based on a whole range of different sources," Mr Simmonds explained.

Good. Nothing will annoy the warmists more. If for no other reason that they've wasted time, money (our money!), and energy peddling their propoganda and it's pointless if people are prepared to look at the wider picture.

Richard Madeley tonguing Blair's ringpiece

2010-02-03T14:14:00.002Z

God, I feel sick.

And people say it's NOT a medieval religion?

2010-02-02T11:42:00.002Z

People getting a bollocking for Sitting to close to eachother?

Fucking hell, come on. And people are happy to welcome this draconian shit over here?

Shitholes of Bristol List Part 1

2010-02-02T11:10:00.006Z

The list (which going on this blog already includes Mogadishu (Bristol East) and Southmead) can also be updated to include (in case you didn't realise already), Hengrove, Hartcliffe, and Knowle West.

The Evening Post breathlessly reports this story, as if it's a surprise that kids in Knowle West are pelting buses with rocks.

Buses operating on Bristol's streets have been attacked by missile-throwing vandals nearly 200 times in the past year.

Some of the attacks were by children as young as five.

Three parts of south Bristol – Hengrove, Hartcliffe and Knowle West – have been identified by the city's main bus operator, First, as the worst areas for the attacks.

Of the 193 incidents of objects being thrown at buses in the Bristol network, 46 incidents occurred in Knowle West – a rate of almost one a week.

Oh but don't tell me, it's not the kid's fault, they've got "nothing to do". I guess we should "engage with them", and find out why they're doing it?

They're doing it because they're fucking feral chav scum, who have been brought up by workshy, feckless fucking oafs who can't teach their kids right from wrong, because they don't know themselves. Anyone who even thinks about trying to defend someone who hurls bricks through a bus window needs their fucking head examining.

"Apart from the obvious risks to passengers and staff, the cost to our business from incidents in Knowle has been £23,000 over the last year."

And who do you think pays for it? The non-chav residents of Bristol, of course. The chavs don't use the buses, or they wouldn't be pelting them with rocks.

First bus should just stop the services to Knowle West, then maybe the non-chav people who need the bus and are unfortunately enough to live there might rise up against the chavs.

Don't vote Tory - Mandelson says so.

2010-02-01T13:44:00.005Z

Fucking Mandelson? Does this guy have any fucking idea about how the public perceive him?

He likened party leader David Cameron and shadow chancellor George Osborne to "Laurel and Hardy", who had "not done the work needed" for government.

This from the guy that had to resign three times in disgrace. Just what authority and credibility does he believe he has, for fuck sake?

Update: Take a look at the video. The years don't show on you, Peter!

Too fucking lazy to get dressed

2010-01-28T17:18:00.004Z

Meet Elaine Carmody.

The awful Argos sprayed-gold earrings and council facelift should tell you all you really need to know about this woman. But there's more to her than that: she is so fucking lazy, she can't be bothered to get dressed when she goes out of the house.

She said she had regularly gone shopping at the store in her pyjamas until about a week ago when she was turned away when she went to buy cigarettes.

She said she been "popping in for a pack of fags," but if she had been doing a full shop "then we obviously would have gone in clothed".

I think given the earrings and this quote, it's safe to say that she spends all fucking day, every fucking day, laid out on her DFS sofa watching TV in her pyjamas.

She went on: "It's not as if you're making a show, if anything they should be happy because you're spending your money in their shop, but obviously they're not because you're not allowed in with pyjamas.

"So they're going to lose their custom with people going to other shops to buy stuff and they're allowed in with their pyjamas on."

Do you think Tescos is really that arsed about losing your custom, you lazy fat chav? They're probably more concerned about you shoplifting.

Update: In case you were in any doubt...

Life in this household...

2010-01-27T14:42:00.002Z

...must be a fucking barrel of laughs.

Who GIVES a fuck, really?

2010-01-27T08:08:00.003Z

With links all over the BBC News front page, that Apple are going to unveil a "new product".

As the BBC gushingly reports, there's apparently been a

swirl of speculation

about what this could be, but I really can't imagine that anyone other than the Apple Fanbois, who are of course wanking themselves into a frenzy over this, really gives a fuck.

Every time I read anything to do with Apple, especially where you get people's views on something reported, I'm reminded of this excellent summing-up of the average Mac user. It's fucking true as well, a classic case in point comes from iPhone owners. If anyone ever asks what new phone they should buy, I'll often chip in about my HTC Touch Pro 2, which has been brilliant, never crashes and has a physical keyboard which means your lovely touchscreen doesn't turn into an oily fingerprint-y mess after "typing" a two line text message. But iPhone users will always jump in with "Get an iPhone! Get an iPhone!" When pressed as to why they're so great, more often than not, they can barely answer. It was even worse for them when the iPhone lacked features that other WinMo-based phones had already had for the best part of a decade, such as copy-and-paste and video recording. They still can't answer my gripes about it, like not being able to put what software I want on there that Apple may not like, without "jailbreaking" it and voiding the warranty. The most devout fanbois will usually come back with some smug comment implying that I'm obviously stupid because I haven't got one. You've got to hand it to the Apple marketing department at least, people are happy to shell out what amounts to nothing more than an "Apple Tax" for something that admittedly has a nice screen, with good multi-touch, but that's really when the advantages end.

I do wonder if this will be like the last unveiling, where Steve Jobs revealed such wonderous new never-before-seen features like "flush mounted headphone jack" (I still remember cringing at the cheer that got from the audience, half of whom had just come in their pants) and "copy and paste"?

Well fuck me, break out the champagne

2010-01-26T13:25:00.002Z

We're now officially out of recession Why? Because in Q4 2009, you know, when everyone spends loads on Christmas, the GDP grew by...wait for it...0.1%.

0.1 per cent? Fuck sake, you could achieve that kind of growth just by cooking the books. And it'll be negative again by end of Q1 2010.

Looks like they want some more control

2010-01-22T22:50:00.005Z

And what's the best way to control people? Terror threats. For the few who pay attention to the threats and believe that for some inexplicable reason they should worry about them, they will be lead by fear. For the rest of us, there's lots of handy terror legislation - raising the Terror level allows them to justify the use of it.

Which is precisely why they've raised the terrorist threat level, despite there being not a fucking shred of intelligence to suggest there's actually an increased threat. Even the fucking Beeb have admitted as much:

The UK terror threat level is being raised from "substantial" to "severe", Home Secretary Alan Johnson has said.

Mr Johnson stressed there was no intelligence to suggest a terrorist attack was imminent.

So why the fuck have you raised it then, you statist moron?

The decision to raise the threat level was made by the UK's Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre (JTAC).

Mr Johnson said JTAC kept the threat level under constant review, making its judgments based on a broad range of factors, including the intent and capabilities of international terrorist groups in the UK and overseas.

But the best bit is yet to come:

He said: "We still face a real and serious threat to the UK from international terrorism, so I would urge the public to remain vigilant and carry on reporting suspicious events to the appropriate authorities and to support the police and security services in their continuing efforts to discover, track and disrupt terrorist activity."

You couldn't make this shit up.

The thing that I'm struggling with is who in the general public gives a flying fuck what the terror level means? If you ask any person in the street what it even was, and how it affected their lives, you'd find it's completely and utterly irrelevant in everyone's lives. This is for good reason - for example, what are we supposed to do if it goes up a level? There's nothing you can do, so what the fuck is the point in it? Are we not supposed to leave our houses if the level reaches critical?

The entire system makes a mockery of the Security Services, frankly. Especially when cunts like Alan Johnson use it to political advantage to try and quash dissent.

Now pay attention, proles. We know what's best for you.

Well, there goes the Tory vote

2010-01-22T09:44:00.003Z

As they go after the motorist.

Taxes on driving, flying and other environmentally-damaging activities are to be increased by the Conservatives to fund tax breaks for married couples with children, the Daily Telegraph can disclose.

The money raised from “green taxes” will be used for a new “family fund” which will be used to cut income tax for families

The move will be necessary to make the tax breaks significant and help tackle Britain’s “Broken Society” problems.

So they think that tax breaks will keep people together? This is ignorance the likes of which we usually only see from the Labour benches.

But it is understood that the Conservatives are considering reintroducing the controversial fuel-duty escalator. This involved petrol duty increasing by several pence more than inflation every year.

However, it was abandoned by Labour following widespread protests over the high cost of petrol.

One Tory insider said: "We could reintroduce the fuel-duty escalator, as long as we were upfront about it. We would say the cost of petrol will rise for the next five years to reduce carbon emissions and fund tax cuts for families.

Fuck sake. It's just the current mongtards, but by a different name. We're kidding ourselves to think the Lib Dems would be any different.

I'm not looking forward to the next few years here.

Crime Figures

2010-01-21T12:43:00.003Z

Ever noticed that when crime figures go down, it's a cause for celebration, but when they go up, it's due to a "change in the way figures are recorded"?

Which kind of begs the question of how the fuck they were recording the figures before? Did they just write the details on a Post-It note and throw it out the window?

Pitchforks at the ready....

2010-01-18T12:45:00.003Z

After the BBC announces a Paedophile was running a teaching website.

A convicted paedophile and former teacher was free to run a major UK education website, the BBC has learned.

Samuel Kinge, 28, from Evesham, was last week jailed for a second time for downloading abusive images of children.

He had been running the Sparklebox teaching and parenting resource website used in thousands of schools.

A spot of Googling finds that the website is particularly popular with teachers, as apparently it's a great resource.

However,

This was blocked in some areas after internet safety officials discovered who was running it and that there had been some "worrying interactivity".

The case appears to expose a potential loophole in how paedophiles could potentially access young children through technology.

Hmmm, Brass Eye, anyone?

Internet safety officials have told the BBC they became concerned after a blog and pictures of children also started appearing on the Sparklebox website, which offers colourful teaching materials such as numeracy posters for teachers and children's bedroom posters for parents.

A blog? (Presumably innocent) pictures of children?

"There were areas where pictures of children were being published and up until recently there was an active blog.

"The concerns were about the interactive technology on the site and the previous conviction of the owner."

Note that they don't explain what these pictures of children were, it could have just been photographs of kids in a classroom, entirely the kind of thing you'd expect to find on a teaching resource website. But, but, he's a paaaeeeedooooo!

Let's get this straight.

He is a convicted paedophile, and he has started a website containing (supposedly very good) teaching materials, which teachers go to, print out, and use in their classrooms. As far as I can see it's a website for teachers, not students. Even if students were to access it, it doesn't appear that there was anything remotely suspect hosted on it.

At what point are the cheeeeeldren in any danger?

He added: "I personally think that someone with a previous conviction of this nature shouldn't be allowed to access children via the internet."

He has just watched that episode of Brass Eye and believed it, hasn't he.

Ashton Court Festival Replacement

2010-01-15T18:45:00.003Z

And as the Evening Post gushes on it's main article, it's called Summer Nights.

Twelve thousand music lovers are expected to descend on the Ashton Court Estate for a glittering new summer festival.

Summer Nights at Ashton Court will take place on July 8, 9 and 10 and organisers are hoping the open-air event, which expects to attract 4,000 people each night, will become an annual extravaganza.

The family-friendly concerts aim to fill a gap in Bristol's music scene with everything from classical artist Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, to Motown and 60s tribute bands.

Bringing a picnic and enjoying music in the surrounds of the rolling green hills, festival-goers will be able to dance the night away under summer skies before a spectacular firework finale.

Sounds good, right? However, let's cut to the chase:

All-inclusive VIP hospitality or a pre-concert Supper in the Mansion is also on offer, as well as a Gazebo Village for exclusive undercover picnicking.

Tickets start at £20 for children and £28 for adults on the Friday and Saturday and £40 to see Dame Kiri. Family tickets are also available.

A veritable bargain, I think you'll agree! And whilst the original Aston Court Festival attracted a wide range of different people, I think the Summer Nights website makes it quite clear what kind of punter they're after:

Oh, fuck sake, not you again

2010-01-14T08:35:00.005Z

The two most arrogant, media-whoring parents ever to walk the earth have been trying to bother everyone again.

Gerry McCann has angrily dismissed Portuguese detectives' claims his daughter Madeleine is dead.

I'd angrily dismiss his expectations that I or anybody else still gives a fuck.

Speaking on Wednesday, the McCanns said: "We are not denying the existence of the dogs or anything else. It's evidence we're interested in. There is no evidence that Madeleine is dead."

Perhaps more importantly, there's no evidence she's alive either. You would have got a lot more respect from people if you'd accepted within the first couple of weeks that it's likely she was pushing up daisies within days of her disappearance. That's assuming, of course, that it wasn't you that killed her, and I'm quite open to that suggestion frankly, it'd explain why you're so fucking arrogant in your public appearances, your press statements, and particularly the way you loftily dismissed perfectly reasonable questions about your parenting habits as "unhelpful".

You tour the fucking globe, clearly having the money and/or the connections to get your child's face on every newspaper and every TV screen. I guess on reflection this is what every parent of a missing child would want, but none have. You should be treating the opportunity as a massive, massive privilage. But you don't - any questions on why in the name of fucking hell you left young children on their own in an apartment a good 5 minutes walk away whilst you got pissed with your mates in a fucking tapas bar - you react to in such a way as to anger people.

How do you think parents who have had children abducted from them when they've been far more responsible than you were feel, when they see your sneering faces over every newspaper and television screen? Max Clifford has a lot to answer for.

They are reported to be seeking 1.2m euros (£1.08m) in damages over the book and said any payment would go towards funding the private investigators hunting for Madeleine.

Like the other millions of pounds donated, from people like Richard fucking Branson, for fucks sake, have paid for "private investiagtors"? As Old Holborn says, follow the money. It's very likely Karen Matthews saw the case of your missing daughter as an inspiration to making a lot of money, only she was too pikey to pull it off. Why do you suppose you were the inspiration? You've made enough money whoring photographs of your missing daughter whether she's alive or dead, or whether you killed her or not, to live very, very comfortably for the rest of your lives.

Just saying.

Take that, Shirley!

2010-01-13T11:04:00.004Z

The Bristol Councillor, Shirley Brown (neé Marshall) who spends most of her time in Florida, flying back every so often in order that she is eligable to claim her Councillor's Allowance, is being summoned to court over the "coconutgate" affair.

A Bristol councillor who called an Asian colleague a coconut during a debate is facing a charge of racially aggravated harassment.

Shirley Brown has been summonsed to appear at Bristol Magistrates' Court next month to answer the allegation.

If convicted of the public order offence, she could potentially receive a prison sentence or a fine.

Not that this is likely to happen, of course. Remember this is the same Shirley Brown who claimed she "couldn't be racist as she was black".

I expect she'll come out with some bollocks about "coconut water" again:

She later denied the comment was racist, telling a council panel she was referring to Mrs Jethwa being "in denial of her roots" and saying that she went on to refer to "coconut water that could be used or thrown away". She said she accepted it was a "clumsy use of words".

...before jetting back off to Florida.

Fuck you, Shirley, you racist waste of space. From what I'm told, if it wasn't for Jon Rogers covering your workload you'd have been rumbled by now.

Sound familiar?

2010-01-11T10:52:00.003Z

There are ominous signs that the earth's weather patterns have begun to change dramatically and that these changes may portend a drastic decline in food production - with serious political implications for just about every nation on earth.

All too familiar right? I expect the Grauniad has an article like this every other week.

However, the above article is from a newspaper from 1975, where not only did they firmly believe there was a cooling trend that would last the rest of the century (with words like "Ice Age" used in the article), but they suggest melting the ice caps by covering them with soot, in order to avoid the catastrophic effects of the cooling trend.

Now, they're suggesting we take far more drastic measures, but to avoid a warming trend? People may argue that they weren't very sure, and were only working with the data they had available, but the same can be said of scientists today. Except the data of today has been fiddled with to meet a political agenda.

What was that about cuts vs. investment?

2010-01-09T21:55:00.002Z

You fucking hypocritical, deceitful badger-browed cunt?

The chancellor has warned that Britain faces the toughest spending cuts in 20 years if Labour is re-elected.

Alistair Darling said prime minister Gordon Brown "accepts and knows" that reducing government borrowing was "never negotiable".

But hang on, what's that Gorgon's been saying, just a few days before?

Declaring that Labour would fight "every inch of the way" for victory, Gordon Brown returned to a strategy of insisting that cutting public spending was not necessarily the way to tackle the deficit.

Once again attempting to cast Labour as the party of investment versus Conservative cuts, Brown's approach marks a shift following an autumn in which both parties appeared to accept the need for spending cuts. Next year public borrowing will hit £178bn and many within government had worked hard to persuade the prime minister to accept spending cuts would be as vital as tax rises to bring this down.

Face it Gordon, you and your party are an utter fucking disgrace.

KFC's "racism"

2010-01-08T09:32:00.003Z

Gleefully reported by Al-jabeeba.

Picked up by the American media, the advertisement immediately stirred controversy, because it was alleged to have perpetuated the racial stereotype that black people eat a lot of fried chicken.

You mean to say they don't? What on earth is racist about saying they do? I eat a lot of fried chicken - so what?

The same old tired phrases

2010-01-06T17:54:00.003Z

Look, there it is again:

Patricia Hewitt and Geoff Hoon have written to Labour MPs saying the party was "deeply divided" and the issue must be sorted out "once and for all".

Downing St said Mr Brown was "getting on with the job" and cabinet ministers have been lining up behind him.

When are we going to see "Doing the right thing, because it's the right thing to do?" or maybe "totally committed to doing what is right"?

And which ministers are "lining up"?

As the day progressed, cabinet ministers voiced their support for Mr Brown's leadership, including Home Secretary Alan Johnson - sometimes touted as a future Labour leader - Justice Secretary Jack Straw, Chancellor Alistair Darling, Energy Secretary Ed Miliband and Business Secretary Lord Mandelson.

So that's five mentioned there. Can't have been a very long fucking line.

Rewarding chavs for not breaking the law

2010-01-06T14:01:00.003Z

Imagine that kids could be paid money every year, simply by doing what they were supposed to. (Not hard, this has already been suggested with payments to kids for turning up to school).

Now imagine that this was a scheme for kids who ride mopeds. Since we're not Italian, this means (in the majority) - well, people like this.

After all, most decent human beings wait a year until they can afford (and drive) a car.

Now imagine they can also claim cash for taking part in a free karting session.

Now imagine that this scheme is run by The West of England Road Safety Partnership. This means that essentially, fines collected from "safety cameras" are not going on improving pedestrian safety, or covering the £15 "victims levy" they're planning on introducing, but paying for chavs to drink cans of white lightning at bus stops.

Sounds ridiculous, right?

Now stop imagining, and realise that this scheme is fucking for real.

Welcome to keepyourwheels.com.

Do you ride a scooter, moped or motorbike in the West Country? If so, you could bag up to £100 for being one of the best riders!

Sign up and enjoy FREE Go Karting, One to One Training plus lots of cool games & quizzes!

Essentially, a chav can get £100 a year if they:

* complete all 12 keepyourwheels monthly quizzes
* provide proof of insurance, MOT & driving licence
* attend a FREE Go Karting session (quote: "yes, we mean it!")
* attend a FREE One to One training session (quote: "we come to your door!")
* keeping a clean licence for 12 months

If they get three points they lose £20.

OK, it's only £100 which due to the value of our currency is worth fuck-all, but they're still esssentially paying moped-riding chavs (and treating them to Go-Karting) to do what they should do anyway i.e. not get points on their license, pass their CBT, and MOT, tax and insure it.

But can you get £100 a year for insuring, MOTing and taxing your car?

Nope.

Kerry: #kerryout is "misogynistic"

2010-01-06T09:09:00.002Z

Labour MP Kerry McCarthy has described the Tory bloggers behind an internet campaign to oust her from her Bristol East seat as "bully boys".

Ms McCarthy, who is her party's new media campaigns spokeswoman, said the attacks were personal rather than political.

She said she had tried to avoid responding via blogs or Twitter but told the Evening Post: "These people are deeply unpleasant and misogynistic.

Kerry, Kerry, Kerry - that gender card you keep so readily-available in your handbag to play at any moment is getting awfully fucking frayed around the edges, isn't it?

And pray tell how the fuck it's misogynistic when they're trying to replace you with another woman (Adeela Shafi)?

I have to say if this was a personal attack on Kerry I wouldn't be so supportive of it, but it's clear it's not: Anyone who is a "Twitter Tsar" is bringing themselves in for all sorts of crap.

It's nothing to do with the fact you're a woman, or that you're Kerry McCarthy, it's because you're the Labour Twitter Tsar. Stop all this bleating about "personal attacks" and "misogyny", you stupid mare.

No rise in Man-Made Atmospheric CO2 in the Past 150 Years

2010-01-05T12:53:00.002Z

See here.

My, that does come as a surprise *rolls eyes*

Has anyone told this lot yet?

Bristol Dave

Relaunch soon

The truth about Bristol City Council and Open Source Software

Ugh, I feel sick

Turns out nobody gives a fuck

Bring it on!

Tinishya Marshall

Sorry I fucked off for so long

Returning soon

*** Ashton Court Festival Replacement Cancelled ***

Pickles was right

Sorry, what?

Nice work if you can get it

Oh, for fucks sake

Renewable Energy - Waste of fucking time

*** Shirley Brown Guilty ***

Staggering hypocrisy from the ex-Nazi man in a dress

Oh, I quite agree!*

Hug A Gypo

I'm back!

Official: Bristol City Council is racist

Cutting public sector waste - but not in Bristol

Europe proposes bank levy

"Cash strapped" Catholic church asks it's members (and the UK taxpayer) to dig deep

What is that thing Theresa May insists on wearing?

Typical Scaremongering from the BBC

Labour website traffic no worse on "crash day" than most others

Did the Labour Party website really crash under load of membership applications?

Rejoice!!!!

Perhaps the least deserving

The truth on immigration

I think you're standing for the wrong party, mate

Steve Jobs - iFuckingHypocrite

To paraphrase Caroline Aherne...

Blinky's hypocrisy

"Look, you've punished us enough about Iraq"

Cameron's vision for Britain

Harriet Harman in "pot calling kettle black" shocker

Did Willie Walsh put a gun to the government's head?

Another example of why Islam is such a backwards medieval religion

Standard New Labour Election Campaign tactics

Get ready to cringe....

Get ready for more greenwash...

More of this, please.

Those Greedy Morlocks Again

MP's on NEETs

Couple demand compensation for their fucking stupidity

I've been quiet

I demand fair funding too

Not to worry, we saw it coming

And whilst we're on the subject of famers

The hypocritical French

Bristol's anti-car bias waning

Local councils "tolerate" illegally-camped pikies

One for the Bristolians - RIP Chris Hutt

Government announce another IT project failure

Alarmist Climate Change Adverts Banned

Baroness Uddin: Grasping cunt, still won't be charged

Official: Even the Morlocks think S4C is shit

MET Office admits its long-term forecasts are shit

Euro Car Parks At It Again

Bristol City Council pick the wrong traffic lights to turn off

But Gordon, Targets are the problem!

Extra £825,000 to "ease" congestion in Bristol

The TRUTH on "Being Offended"

They're Waking Up!

The BBC always pick the best images

An interesting comparison

Morlocks demand more money

Yet another speech "leaked" to the press

Shirley Brown/Marshall Part IV

On ITV1 right now

Won't somebody think of the children?

Nice work if you can get it

Justice for Wilbur? Nope, justice for the snake. Good.

Evening Post fighting Kerry McCarthy's election campaign

Total ban on smoking around the corner?

SouthwestOne Update

People starting to think rationally for themselves

Richard Madeley tonguing Blair's ringpiece

* Ashton Court Festival Replacement Cancelled *

* Shirley Brown Guilty *